Orgasm gap

What is the orgasm gap?

Orgasm gap (also pleasure gap) is the measured difference in how often men and women come during heterosexual sex. In a large American study, 95 percent of heterosexual men usually came against 65 percent of heterosexual women. That gap sits in the context of straight sex, not in the female body.

The proof it isn’t the body

If the orgasm gap were biological, it would be equally large for all women. It isn’t. In the study by David Frederick and colleagues in Archives of Sexual Behavior, among more than 50,000 people, 95 percent of heterosexual men said they usually or always came, against 65 percent of heterosexual women. But lesbian women reached 86 percent. The same female body, a very different outcome. So the difference isn’t in the anatomy, but in what happens during sex between men and women.

Why the gap exists

The cause is largely what is and isn’t done. Elizabeth Armstrong, Paula England and Alison Fogarty showed in American Sociological Review that women come more often during straight sex in a relationship than in a casual encounter, and that the chance rises with clitoral stimulation, oral sex and taking more time. The script in which penetration is the main goal and the male climax the end point leaves out exactly the stimulation most women need. Elizabeth Mahar, Laurie Mintz and Brianna Akers summarized in Current Sexual Health Reports that the gap largely disappears when clitoral stimulation is a fixed part of sex, and that the cause is social and can be tackled, not biological and unchangeable.

Why this matters

The orgasm gap is about who, by default, gets what they came for, and that makes it more than a figure. For a woman it’s the insight that coming less often is no personal defect, but the result of a script you can adjust. For a couple it’s an invitation not to let sex stop at penetration. What it should not become is a new performance demand: an orgasm is not the only measure of good sex, and closing the gap is about equality and pleasure, not about having to perform. Anyone who notices an orgasm structurally failing to come and is troubled by it can go to their GP, see also anorgasmia.

What you can do about it

• Make clitoral stimulation a fixed part, not a warm-up. The research points to this as the biggest factor that closes the gap.
• Don’t let sex stop at penetration. Oral sex, using your hand, and a pace that doesn’t steer toward the male climax raise the chance that a woman comes.
• Say what works. Talking about what you like is among the most reliable predictors of an orgasm for women.
• Take the performance out of it. Coming as a required end point backfires; relaxation and time do more than technique under pressure.

What the orgasm gap is not

“Women just come less easily.” Not if you look at the figures. Lesbian women come far more often than heterosexual women, with the same body.

“The gap is biological and so unchangeable.” The opposite. It’s tied to what happens during sex, and shrinks with clitoral stimulation and time.

“It’s only about the orgasm.” No, it’s about equal pleasure. The orgasm is its best-measurable outcome, not the only goal.

What I see of it

Many women who meet me have grown used to sex in which their own pleasure was a side matter. What strikes me is how little it takes to turn that around, once someone takes the time and asks what works instead of running through a fixed trick. I’m not a doctor. But I do notice that the reversal, attention that starts with her, is exactly what the research predicts.

More reading on the orgasm gap

Within this glossary, the sexual response cycle and arousal explain how an orgasm normally comes about, and anorgasmia when it fails to come at all.

Beyond this site, the study by Frederick and colleagues has the figures, and the overview Orgasm Equality by Mahar, Mintz and Akers sums up what closes the gap.

Where this fits on this site

I don’t sell a performance and no orgasm on schedule. What I do is take the time and start with what you like, exactly the reversal the research predicts. What an intimate togetherness looks like is on that page.

Sources

• Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample. David A. Frederick, H. Kate St. John, Justin R. Garcia & Elisabeth A. Lloyd, Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47(1), 273–288, 2018. Provides that 95 percent of heterosexual men, 86 percent of lesbian women and 65 percent of heterosexual women said they usually or always came.
• Accounting for Women’s Orgasm and Sexual Enjoyment in College Hookups and Relationships. Elizabeth A. Armstrong, Paula England & Alison C. K. Fogarty, American Sociological Review, 77(3), 435–462, 2012. Provides that women come more often in a relationship than in a casual encounter, and that the chance rises with clitoral stimulation, oral sex and taking more time.
• Orgasm Equality: Scientific Findings and Societal Implications. Elizabeth A. Mahar, Laurie B. Mintz & Brianna M. Akers, Current Sexual Health Reports, 2020. Provides that the gap largely disappears with fixed clitoral stimulation, and that the cause is social and can be tackled rather than biological.

Related terms

The orgasm gap is about who comes how often. The terms below explain the orgasm itself.

• Sexual response cycle. The model of arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution, where the gap shows up in the orgasm phase.
• Arousal. The body’s response that precedes an orgasm.
• Anorgasmia. When an orgasm structurally fails to come, something other than the average gap.
• Arousal nonconcordance. Why body and feeling don’t always move together, a related source of misunderstanding.
• Libido. The appetite for sex, which is separate from how often an orgasm comes.