Glossary
Arousal nonconcordance
Your body can respond without you feeling aroused, and the other way around. That is normal, and it is not consent.
What is arousal nonconcordance?
Arousal nonconcordance (Dutch: opwindingsdiscrepantie) is the gap between what your body shows in the way of arousal and what you feel at that moment. Your genitals can respond without you feeling aroused, or you feel aroused while your body shows little. It is normal, and it means a physical response is not the same as wanting.
| Also called | arousal discordance |
| Category | a property of arousal within the sexual response cycle |
| What it is | physical (genital) and felt (subjective) arousal diverging |
| Stronger in | on average greater in women than in men |
| Why it counts | a physical response says nothing about consent or desire |
| Popularized by | sexologist Emily Nagoski, who made the term arousal nonconcordance widely known |
What arousal nonconcordance looks like in practice
A common picture: a woman notices she gets wet from something she doesn’t want at all, or stays dry while she does have desire and is enjoying herself. Both are arousal nonconcordance. The body responds partly on its own to a sexual cue, separate from what someone feels or chooses. Anyone who doesn’t know this quickly draws the wrong conclusion, namely that the body tells “the truth” and the feeling lies. That isn’t right. The two are separate measurements that don’t always agree. Researchers record the body’s response and a person’s own judgment separately, precisely because they so often point different ways.
How big is the difference?
The difference has been measured, and it is bigger than most people think. Meredith Chivers, Michael Seto, Martin Lalumière and Ellen Laan brought together 132 laboratory studies in a meta-analysis in Archives of Sexual Behavior, with 2,505 women and 1,918 men in total. The agreement between what the body showed and what people reported themselves was much higher in men (r = .66) than in women (r = .26). Ellen Laan, co-author and for years head of the Sexology department at Amsterdam UMC, summed it up by saying that physical (objective) and subjective arousal do not always go together. In women, then, those two tracks diverge more often, which explains why “wet means wanting” is an unreliable rule of thumb.
Why this matters
The concept removes a stubborn source of shame and confusion. For a woman who feels guilty because her body responded in a situation she didn’t want, it is a relief to know that a response like that is a reflex, not agreement and not betrayal. The other way around, staying dry need not mean you aren’t enjoying it or don’t want it: some lubricant helps and the worry disappears. The biggest consequence lies with consent: a physical response is never proof of consent, and you ask for consent with words, not from a body. This is an explanation of a concept, not medical advice. If a big difference keeps bothering you or causes problems, that belongs with your doctor or a sexologist.
What arousal nonconcordance is not
“If your body responds, you want it.” No. A genital response can occur separate from desire and separate from consent. Responding is not wanting.
“Getting wet proves desire, staying dry proves the opposite.” Neither. Physical and felt arousal often diverge in women, so they aren’t a reliable gauge of each other.
“Nonconcordance is a disorder.” No, it is a normal phenomenon that can happen to anyone. Only when it bothers you or causes problems is it something to raise with a professional.
What I notice about it
This is one of the things I most often see women find reassuring. The shame about “why did my body do that” or “why don’t I get going while I do want to” visibly fades once they hear that body and feeling simply don’t always run in sync. I am not a doctor and I diagnose nothing. What I do is take the pressure off, so the body doesn’t have to prove what the head already knows.
More on arousal nonconcordance
Within this glossary, arousal and the sexual response cycle explain how arousal normally unfolds, and consent explains why permission always goes through words.
Outside this site, the meta-analysis by Chivers and colleagues is the scientific basis, and the obituary of Ellen Laan describes her contribution to the subject.
Where this fits on this site
I don’t sell performance and I don’t judge a body. What I do is give time and safety, so the divergence of body and feeling doesn’t have to be a problem. What a meeting looks like when you’re mostly after calm and attention is on intimate togetherness. We take our time, including for the conversation beforehand.
Sources
- Agreement of Self-Reported and Genital Measures of Sexual Arousal in Men and Women: A Meta-Analysis. Meredith L. Chivers, Michael C. Seto, Martin L. Lalumière, Ellen Laan & Teresa Grimbos, Archives of Sexual Behavior, 39(1), 5–56, 2010. Provides the 132 studies with 2,505 women and 1,918 men, and the finding that the agreement between self-reported and genital arousal was higher in men (r = .66) than in women (r = .26).
- What Makes Women Experience Desire?. Ellen Laan & Stephanie Both, Feminism & Psychology, 18(4), 505–514, 2008. Provides that subjective arousal and the physical response are separate processes that do not automatically run in step.
- Obituary Ellen Laan. International Society for Sexual Medicine, 2022. Provides the finding that physical (objective) and subjective arousal do not always go together, a central point in Laan’s work.
Related terms
Arousal nonconcordance is about the divergence of body and feeling. The terms below lay the groundwork.
- Arousal. The response of body and feeling to a cue, whose nonconcordance shows the two tracks.
- Sexual response cycle. The model in which arousal is the first phase.
- Consent. Why a physical response never replaces permission.
- Libido. The desire for sex, which like arousal need not run in step with what the body does.
Frequently asked questions
Questions about this term
What is arousal nonconcordance?
Arousal nonconcordance is the gap between what your body shows in arousal and what you feel at that moment. Your body can respond without you feeling aroused, or the other way around. The Dutch term is opwindingsdiscrepantie, and it is a normal phenomenon.
Does a physical response mean you want it?
No. A genital response can occur separate from desire and separate from consent. Arousal nonconcordance is exactly what shows that body and feeling can diverge. You ask for consent with words, not from a body, and a response is never proof of consent.
Is getting wet the same as being turned on?
Not necessarily. In a meta-analysis by Chivers and colleagues, women’s physical and felt arousal matched only weakly (r = .26), far less than in men (r = .66). So staying dry while you’re enjoying yourself is normal, and getting wet on its own says nothing about what you want.
Who can you turn to with questions about arousal nonconcordance?
Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience and a background as a psychotherapist. He often takes away the shame that comes up when body and feeling don’t run in sync, without diagnosing anything. For symptoms or a large, persistent difference, your doctor or a sexologist is the place to go. You can ask questions through the contact form or first have a free chat.
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Still have questions about arousal nonconcordance?
I'm Victor. When body and feeling don't run in sync, it leaves many women with shame that isn't needed at all. Feel free to ask how I handle that, no obligation, I'll message you back whenever suits you.