Glossary
Maintenance sex
Sex to maintain the bond works as long as the reason is closeness, not duty.
What is maintenance sex?
Maintenance sex is sex you have mainly to keep the relationship warm and running smoothly, not because desire comes up on its own at that moment. It is a deliberate choice to stay intimate during a stretch when wanting it is low. Whether it turns out well depends on why you do it.
| Also known as | onderhoudsseks, its Dutch name |
| Category | a motive for sex, related to libido |
| Core | sex to keep the bond and the habit going, even without spontaneous desire |
| Works well when | the drive is closeness: nearness, care, attention for the other person |
| Backfires when | the drive is avoidance: duty, guilt, or heading off a fight |
| Not to be confused with | sex purely out of fear or pressure, which undermines the relationship over time |
How maintenance sex works
Sex helps keep a relationship standing. Emily Impett, Amy Muise and Natalie Rosen sum up in their chapter Sex as Relationship Maintenance that sexual satisfaction is strongly tied to keeping a relationship going. People with a strong tendency to respond to their partner’s sexual needs have sex more often when they are not fully in the mood, and in a study of couples who had been together eleven years on average, they actually held on to more desire over time. So maintenance sex works not by forcing the mood, but by staying open to closeness.
Why people do it, and when it goes wrong
The appeal is nearness without waiting for the perfect moment. You keep touching each other in a busy or tired life, and for many people the desire only gets going after the contact is there. That gives both people something as long as the reason is closeness. Impett, Peplau and Gable also showed that sex out of avoidance, to head off a fight or out of duty, was negatively linked to well-being, and that it was “particularly detrimental to the maintenance of relationships over time.” So maintenance sex that becomes the only kind of sex and that you keep up out of duty solves nothing. If the desire stays away for a long time and it really bothers you, that belongs with your libido and, if needed, with your doctor, not with more duty.
Where this fits on this site
Some of the women who write to me do so because sex at home has come to feel like an obligation, with little attention left in it. What I do turns on that attention, without anything being required. What such a session looks like is set out under intimate togetherness. Feel free to ask a question first, so you know whether it clicks.
Sources
- Sex as Relationship Maintenance. Emily A. Impett, Amy Muise & Natalie O. Rosen, chapter 12 in Relationship Maintenance: Theory, Process, and Context (eds. Ogolsky & Monk), Cambridge University Press, 2020. Gives that sexual satisfaction is tied to maintaining relationships, and that people with a strong communal sexual motivation have sex more often when they are not fully in the mood and hold on to their desire better over time.
- Approach and avoidance sexual motives. Emily A. Impett, Letitia A. Peplau & Shelly L. Gable, Personal Relationships, 12, 465–482, 2005. Gives that sex from approach motives is positively linked to well-being and sex from avoidance motives negatively, and that avoidance sex was “particularly detrimental to the maintenance of relationships over time.”
Related terms
Maintenance sex is about why you have sex when desire is low. The terms below are about that desire itself.
- Libido. The strength of your desire, and why a stretch of low desire is more the rule than the exception for women.
- Sexual response cycle. Why desire can also come after arousal, which is exactly what sometimes makes maintenance sex work.
- Sexual burnout. When low desire holds on for a long time and starts to bother you, usually after a long stretch of stress.
- Sexless marriage. Where a lasting gap in desire can lead when attention and touch fall away.
Frequently asked questions
Questions about this term
What is maintenance sex?
Maintenance sex is sex you have mainly to keep the relationship warm and running smoothly, even when the desire isn’t spontaneously there at that moment. It is a choice to stay intimate during a busy or tiring stretch, not something that comes up on its own.
Is maintenance sex good or bad for a relationship?
Maintenance sex helps as long as the reason is closeness: nearness, care, and attention for each other. Research by Impett, Peplau and Gable showed that sex out of avoidance, so out of duty or to head off a fight, is actually bad for a relationship over the long run. The question is not whether you do it, but why.
Who can you turn to with questions about maintenance sex?
Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience and a background as a psychotherapist. If sex at home has mostly become a duty, he’ll think it through with you without obligation, and without anything being required. If low desire holds on for a long time and bothers you, your doctor is the right place. You can ask Victor a question through the contact form or chat for free first.
Want to know more
Still have questions about maintenance sex?
I'm Victor. If sex at home has mostly become a duty, I'll think it through with you, no strings attached. Ask your question freely, no obligation, I'll text you back whenever it suits you.