Spontaneous desire

What is spontaneous desire?

Spontaneous desire is wanting sex that arises on its own, out of nowhere, before anything exciting happens. It stands opposite responsive desire, which arises only as a reaction to stimulation. Both are normal; spontaneous desire is more common in men, responsive more common in women.

How spontaneous desire relates to responsive desire

There are roughly two styles of desire. According to Cleveland Sex Therapy, spontaneous desire shows up with no specific trigger: suddenly you are in the mood. Responsive desire builds up as a reaction to something, a touch, a good conversation, a romantic evening. The message from those therapists is clear: responsive desire is just as normal and important as spontaneous, there is nothing wrong with you. For that they point to Emily Nagoski and to the circular model of Rosemary Basson, which describes the responsive pattern explicitly, unlike older models that took spontaneous desire as the obvious starting point.

What the numbers say

The distinction is not a matter of broken or healthy. According to The Good Trade, which cites Nagoski’s figures, about 70 percent of men have spontaneous desire, against some 10 to 20 percent of women; of women, around 30 percent experience responsive desire instead. The rest sit somewhere in between. In other words, desire not always arising on its own is, for women, more the rule than the exception, and says nothing about whether anything is wrong.

Why this distinction matters

The gain is that you stop applying the wrong measure. Anyone who thinks “real” wanting should always come on its own quickly feels broken when it does not. For you, the insight means your desire may simply have a different style: it comes when you go looking for it, not by itself. For the two of you together, it means waiting for spontaneous wanting can be pointless; better to create the conditions in which responsive desire can build up. What it does not do: the label itself changes nothing; it is a starting point, not a solution.

What spontaneous desire is not

“Only spontaneous desire is real desire.” Incorrect. Responsive desire is just as real and just as normal, and in women it is even more common.

“Little spontaneous wanting means a low libido.” Not necessarily. It can simply mean your desire is responsive and only arises through the right stimulation.

What I see in it myself

I work for women as a gigolo, and this distinction explains a lot of what I see. Many women think something is wrong because they do not just get in the mood, while their desire works fine as soon as the conditions are right: no rush, attention, no pressure. I really do only one thing, make room where responsive desire can build up. Then the wanting turns out to be there after all, just not out of nowhere.

Further reading

• Responsive desire is the counterpart that is the norm for many women.
• The sexual accelerator and the brake explain why desire does or does not get going.
• Emily Nagoski, Come As You Are (2015), explains the two styles of desire in an accessible way.

Where this fits on this site

I do not sell desire, but I do work in the way that gives responsive desire room: no rush, no pressure, just attention. If you are curious how a meeting without time pressure goes, take a look at intimate togetherness. A message beforehand is always welcome. You are not committed to anything.

Sources

• Emily Nagoski, Come As You Are, 2015. Gives the distinction between spontaneous and responsive desire as two normal styles, based on decades of research.

Related terms

• Responsive desire. The counterpart that arises as a reaction to stimulation.
• Sexual response cycle. The larger whole in which desire and arousal work together.
• Sexual accelerator. What switches desire on, spontaneous or responsive.
• Libido. Your overall appetite for sex, whose style differs from person to person.