Glossary
Female lover
The female counterpart of the male lover, with a word of her own and a history of her own.
What is a female lover?
A female lover (Dutch: minnares) is a woman with whom someone has a love or sexual relationship, usually while that someone is married to another person. She is the female counterpart of the male lover. In older and French usage she is also called the maîtresse or amante, and in everyday English a mistress, in the affair sense of that word rather than the BDSM one.
| Dutch term | minnares; the French maîtresse is also common |
| Also known as | maîtresse, amante, the other woman; the male counterpart is the male lover |
| Category | a relationship form; historically related to the courtesan and so to sex work |
| Origin | the Dutch minnares is the female form of minnaar, from minnen, to love |
| Not to be confused with | a wife or steady partner, whom a female lover usually stands outside of |
| Core | a woman in an often secret relationship alongside someone’s steady bond |
What the word means
The core is the woman who loves outside the steady bond. Van Dale describes a female lover as a beloved, and a woman a man lives with without being married to her. The ordinary dictionary makes that sharper: a woman who has an amorous relationship with someone who is married to another. Two layers, then, just as with the male word: the female lover as beloved, and the female lover as the other woman. Historically that role runs by way of the maîtresse to the courtesan, who sometimes turned her place into real influence.
Why the role of female lover appeals
The appeal is being desired instead of being taken for granted. A female lover is seen for who she is in that moment, not for what she arranges at home. For a woman that feeling of being wanted intensely can be exactly what she misses. The shadow side: a female lover usually comes second, out of sight, and that waiting and sharing wears on someone.
What I see of it myself
I am Victor, a gigolo. What strikes me is how often women are afraid they have become the female lover in their own life: second choice, in the margin of someone’s attention. What they look for with me is that desired feeling back, but without having to become someone’s secret for it. Being the center openly often does more than the thrill of the hidden.
Where this fits on this site
If what you are mainly after is that feeling of being wanted undivided, without the price of the secret, then an evening of intimate togetherness fits that better than the role of the other woman. This is the term; the conversation about it you can always start without an appointment.
Sources
- Minnares. Woorden.org. Gives the sharper description of a female lover as a woman who has an amorous relationship with someone who is married to another.
Related terms
On this site the female lover touches sex work by way of the courtesan.
- Sex work. The pillar: the courtesan as a paid female lover makes the historical bridge to sex work.
- Male lover. The male counterpart, with its own angle on this site.
- Courtesan. The historical female lover who turned her role into a position of influence.
- Escort. The modern service of paid company where that desire takes open, agreed form.
- Affair. The secret outside relationship in which the role of female lover usually arises.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about a female lover.
What is a female lover?
A female lover is a woman with whom someone has a love or sexual relationship, usually while that someone is married to another person. She is the female counterpart of the male lover. In older and French usage she is also called the maîtresse or amante.
What is the difference between a female lover and a maîtresse?
Maîtresse is the French word for a female lover and at its core means the same thing: a woman in a love relationship outside someone’s marriage. Maîtresse does sound more genteel and was historically often used for a female lover with status or influence, such as at a court. In everyday use the two are interchangeable.
Who can you turn to with questions about a female lover?
Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of experience and a background as a psychotherapist. He often hears how women struggle with the feeling of being second choice, and thinks along with you about it with no obligation. You can ask him a question through the contact form or first chat for free.
Want to know more
Still have questions about a female lover?
I am Victor, a gigolo with a background as a psychotherapist. If you want to talk about that feeling of being wanted, or about the role of the other woman, I am glad to listen. No obligation, I will text you back at your ease.
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