BDSM for Beginners: How to Try It Safely as a Woman
BDSM for beginners: how you try it safely as a woman, at your own pace, with clear limits set beforehand and real aftercare afterward.
Glossary
Coming out kink
Telling someone you love kink feels nerve-wracking, and research confirms why.
What is a coming out kink?
A coming out kink means telling a partner, family, friends, or colleagues that you love BDSM or kink. Research calls this nerve-wracking and stressful because of the stigma that still surrounds kink. It is not quite the same as an LGBT coming out, though the language of that movement does help some people.
| Term | coming out (as kinky) |
| What it is | telling a partner, family, friends, or colleagues that you love BDSM or kink |
| Why it feels hard | the stigma around kink, even though BDSM is an ordinary part of life for most practitioners |
| Not the same as | an LGBT coming out, though its language is sometimes useful |
| Who it can involve | a partner, parents, friends, or colleagues, each with a different risk |
| What it can bring | relief and more closeness, when the disclosure lands well |
What research says about it
In an interview study of twenty adults, Bezreh and colleagues (2012) found that BDSM was central to the participants’ sex lives, while telling partners, family, friends, and colleagues came with stress and uncertainty. They do not call it equal to an LGBT coming out, but they think the language and approach of that movement are useful for some people.
Why people take the step
Telling someone often brings relief, because you no longer have to hide yourself from the people closest to you. With a partner it can bring the relationship closer, since nothing is being held back anymore. Still, not everyone needs to tell everything to everyone. What matters more than the relief is the safety of the person you take into your confidence.
Sources
- Bezreh, T., Weinberg, T.S. & Edgar, T. “BDSM Disclosure and Stigma Management: Identifying Opportunities for Sex Education”. American Journal of Sexuality Education, 2012. An interview study of twenty adults finding that disclosure is stressful, while BDSM itself was central to their sex lives, and that does not equate a coming out kink with an LGBT coming out.
Related terms
- BDSM. The broader practice a coming out kink is about.
- Kink. The umbrella word for the preferences you share in a coming out.
- Negotiation. The conversation that often follows once you are open about kink.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about a coming out kink.
What is a coming out kink?
A coming out kink means telling a partner, family, friends, or colleagues that you love BDSM or kink. It often feels nerve-wracking because of the stigma around kink.
Is a coming out kink the same as an LGBT coming out?
No, researchers don’t see a coming out kink as equal to an LGBT coming out, though the language of that movement does help some people. The stigma and the risks differ from one situation to the next.
Who can you turn to with questions about a coming out kink?
Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. He hears about a coming out kink more often than you would think, and he listens without judgment. You can ask him a question with no obligation through the contact form or first chat for free.
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Still have questions about a coming out kink?
I am Victor. Telling someone you love kink often feels more nerve-wracking than the conversation itself. Ask your question, no obligation, I will message you back when it suits you.