For you, when you want it and he doesn't yet
You want a man there, he still hesitates
No persuading. First a talk in which his doubt is allowed to exist, and in which you don't have to plead.
Does this sound familiar?
You brought it up once, and it went quiet
Hi, I’m Victor. Chances are you’re reading this while he sits a metre away from you on the sofa.
You said it once. One evening, half as a joke, with your heart in your throat: a man there, together, just once. He laughed. Or he said “if that’s what you want”, which is not a yes and not a no either. And then the conversation moved on.
You’ve been walking around it ever since. You don’t want to push him, because this is exactly the kind of thing you don’t push anyone into. But you don’t want to swallow it for another ten years either. So you wait for a good moment that never comes.
You might recognise this
The remark that sank
You said it one evening, half as a joke. He laughed, and then you talked about the holiday.
His "if that's what you want"
Not a yes, not a no. You still don’t know what he actually thinks.
The message you don't send
You type him a long explanation of why this has nothing to do with him. Then you delete it again.
Reading on at half eleven
He’s asleep. You read how other couples do this, and how it went on for them.
The screen that goes dark fast
You’re on your phone, and at the sound of his footsteps on the stairs you turn it over.
Afraid of breaking something
You don’t want to lose him. So you don’t ask a second time.
That you want this says nothing bad about the two of you
Let me start here: that you want this doesn’t mean you love him less. Often it’s the other way around. You want to add something to what you have, not take something away.
His doubt isn’t a no either. Behind doubt there’s almost always a question he hasn’t asked yet. Whether he’ll still be enough for you afterwards, for instance. And the quiet one about whether he belongs there or stands outside it.
I’m a psychotherapist by background, so I read the dynamic between you well. This is not relationship therapy, and I don’t give advice about your relationship. And I’ll say this straight away, so you know: I never help anyone talk their partner into this. Pushing is something I notice, and then I don’t take part.
If nothing changes, this stays a subject the two of you walk around, until one of you quietly gives up on it. It doesn’t have to be that way. His doubt is allowed to exist and so is your wanting, in the same conversation.
A conversation nobody has to win
Imagine this: a video call of half an hour, the two of you on the sofa, me on the screen. He gets to ask whatever he wants to ask, including the question he’s a little embarrassed by. You don’t have to plead. That’s the big difference from your conversations so far: someone is there who has no stake in you winning.
I tell you what happens and what never happens. We agree his role beforehand: watching, joining in, or waiting in another room. I’m straight, so nothing happens between him and me. And if he still doesn’t know after that talk, I say “not yet” myself. You don’t have to be the one pulling the brake.
What you’re left with is that the subject is no longer a minefield. Whether the answer turns out to be yes or no, you know where you stand.
Has he said yes by now and are you both ready? Then read on at adding a man as a couple. If he’d rather stay home and still wants this for you, married, with his knowledge is about exactly that.
Ask on your own first?
You can put your questions to me on your own. What you discuss with him after that, and when, is up to you. I don’t press.
Why me
I’m in my early fifties and calm. Not a young man coming to claim his place in your bed, and not a rival.
I take his doubt seriously. I don’t talk him out of it, and I’ll speak to him on his own if he wants that, without you there. What he tells me then stays with me.
Not every request gets a yes. If I hear that one of you is going along to please the other, I say not yet myself. That isn’t meant strictly, it keeps this safe for both of you.
There’s no agency in between. From your first message you’re talking to me, and to nobody else.
How it works
From your first message to an honest answer
A message from you
Or from him, that's fine too. One question is enough, and booking is nowhere near yet.
Your questions first
Just with me, if that feels easier. You only tell me what you want to tell me.
A conversation with the two of you
A video call, half an hour. He asks, I answer, and nobody has to decide anything.
Him on his own, if he wants
About his doubt, without you there. Often that's the conversation that loosens the knot.
Roles and boundaries on paper
Who wants what, who watches or joins in, and how you stop. Everything can be discussed, nothing is required!!
Only then a date
Or no date. That's an outcome too, and an honest one.
Discreet, for both of you
First names are enough
I don’t need profiles, photos or social media from you.
One shared conversation
After the separate talk, everything goes through the two of you. No side channels.
Nothing kept
I don’t save our messages, and I keep no client list.
No message from me
I never make contact on my own initiative. So nothing ever lands at the wrong moment.
From outside your circle
I’m not from your area, and outside the appointment I don’t know you.
Nothing odd on the statement
Cash is fine. By bank it says coaching.
"Yes, but..."
- “Am I the one forcing this now?” Not as long as you’re asking instead of pushing. And I hear the difference within ten minutes of talking.
- “What if he says yes to please me?” Then I hear it, and we wait. I say that myself, so you don’t have to.
- “What if he never says yes?” Then it doesn’t happen. That isn’t a failure. At least you’ll know where you stand instead of guessing.
- “Can he talk to you without me there?” Gladly. Men ask different questions when their wife isn’t listening in.
- “Do you think we’re ready for this?” I make no judgements about your relationship. I will tell you honestly whether I say yes to it.
- “He’s afraid of being pushed aside.” We fix his role beforehand, and I never push him away. I’m the guest.
Couples and women who hesitated too
I had found Victor and the contact was exceptionally pleasant. Good first impression and professional. We arranged to meet at a hotel, he kept to his agreements neatly. Discovered and experienced a few boundaries together with her. A nice click and good teamwork. Wonderful night with lovely people!
I was looking for something exciting and, to be honest, expected it to be intense right away. Instead it started with talking. A lot of talking. About boundaries, about what I wanted. But once we were settled, everything was right. He senses exactly when he can push on and when not for a moment.
After a while of online contact, we arranged to meet, and oh, how exciting I found it, out of my comfort zone. Even so, I felt at home with him right away. Victor gave me the trust to surrender myself to him completely and safely. I never thought I would ever experience this in such a safe, loving way.
Doubt is allowed to be the starting point
You don’t have to win him over first. Send me a message about where you stand, and we’ll see whether a conversation makes sense. Only I read what you write.
Do you already know when? Say so, no rush.
Frequently asked questions
What women ask when their partner still hesitates
How do I bring this up without him feeling ambushed?
Not on an evening that’s already tense, and not in bed. What often works: name what it’s about for you rather than what you want to arrange. “I want to feel like that again” lands differently from “I want a threesome”. Say what it doesn’t mean too, because that’s the question he asks silently. If you’d rather not explain it yourself, send him this page and let him sleep on it.
Will you help me convince him?
No. I don’t do that for anyone. What I do is answer his questions honestly, including the ones he’s embarrassed by. That’s a different thing from persuading. If I notice one of you pulling the other along, I stop the conversation and say not yet myself. A yes that isn’t his own doesn’t hold up for a whole evening.
Can he talk to you first, without me there?
Gladly. Men ask different questions when their wife isn’t listening in, and usually those are the ones that matter. What he tells me there stays with me. After that everything goes through the two of you again, so no line opens up behind your back.
What if he says yes but doesn't really want it?
I hear that in the conversation. A yes given to please someone sounds different from a yes he means himself, and I keep asking until it’s clear. If I’m in doubt, I say not yet. That way you don’t have to be the one who raises it, and he doesn’t have to put on a brave face.
What if he still doesn't know after the conversation?
Then he doesn’t know yet, and that’s a fine outcome. There’ll be no second call from me and no gentle pressure. If you want to come back to it later, that’s always possible, even a year from now. What has changed: the subject is no longer a minefield, because you’ve said it out loud calmly once.
He's afraid I'll see him differently afterwards. What do you say about that?
That the fear makes sense, and that it sits there more often than men admit. That’s why we fix his role beforehand and why I never push him away. I’m the guest and I leave at the agreed moment, so you find each other again. What most couples say afterwards is that they felt closer to each other instead.
What if he'd rather stay home and still wants this for me?
That’s a possibility too, and it happens more often than a threesome. He knows where you are, he isn’t there, and no excuse is needed. How that works is on the page about married, with his knowledge. What I still want to know in that case is whether it really comes from him.