Surrogate partner

What is a surrogate partner?

Surrogate partner is a trained professional who works together with a client and that client’s therapist on problems with intimacy and sexuality. The surrogate partner practices with the client, under the therapist’s guidance. It is a clinical, therapeutic role, not sex work: it is about learning, not paid sex.

How the role of surrogate partner works

A surrogate partner never works alone. According to Wikipedia, the surrogate partner is trained in working with intimacy and sexuality, and works within a triad of client, therapist, and surrogate partner. The client is seen at the same time by a therapist, who directs the treatment, while the surrogate partner practices with the client and acts as a kind of mentor. Masters and Johnson introduced the role in 1970 in Human Sexual Inadequacy, from the idea that you mostly learn intimacy by experiencing it. In 1973 the International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA) took on the training and the standards for the profession.

The difference with sex work

This is the core of the term, and the distinction is clear. According to Medical News Today, medically reviewed by Lori Lawrenz, PsyD, the difference lies in the therapeutic intent: a sex worker gets paid for consensual sexual services, while surrogate therapy is about removing barriers that keep someone from building intimacy with a partner. The IPSA stresses that the term surrogate partner only applies when a qualified therapist is involved. What it is not: not an escort service and not paid sex, but a guided learning experience. One caveat, though: unlike a sexologist, a surrogate partner does not need a specific training or degree.

What the work of a surrogate partner looks like

The work is structured, not casual. In surrogate partner therapy the client goes through a series of step-by-step exercises with the surrogate partner, from relaxation and intimate communication to sensate focus and, where needed, sensual and sexual contact. The surrogate partner reports back to the therapist after each session, and the therapist sets the direction. According to the International Professional Surrogates Association, surrogate partners are screened and receive ongoing supervision, with clear limits against exploitation. For the client that means a safe, guided place to practice; for the surrogate partner it means working within a tight framework, never as a one-off service. It is exactly that embedding, with a therapist steering and supervision watching along, that makes the role something other than a paid meeting.

What a surrogate partner is not

“A surrogate partner is an expensive escort with a neat label.” No. Without an involved, steering therapist there is by definition no surrogate partner; the role exists only within the triad and with a therapeutic goal.

“A surrogate partner is a kind of therapist.” Also not. The surrogate partner carries out exercises and acts as a practice partner, but the treatment is directed by the qualified therapist, not by the surrogate partner themselves.

Where this fits on this site

I work as a gigolo for women, and I am emphatically not a surrogate partner: with me there is no treating therapist and no therapeutic framework. I offer company and attention, not treatment. If there is a real problem that calls for therapy, that belongs with a sexologist, possibly with a surrogate partner. If you are simply curious what I do offer, take a look at my services. Talking first is always an option, and it commits you to nothing.

Sources

• Surrogate partner. Wikipedia. Provides that a surrogate partner is trained in intimacy and sexuality, works within a triad of client, therapist, and surrogate partner under the therapist’s guidance, that Masters and Johnson introduced the role in 1970, and that the IPSA has provided the training since 1973.
• Sex surrogate therapy. Medical News Today, medically reviewed by Lori Lawrenz, PsyD. Provides that the difference with sex work lies in the therapeutic intent, that the term surrogate partner only applies with an involved qualified therapist, and that a surrogate partner does not need a specific degree.
• Masters and Johnson, Human Sexual Inadequacy, 1970. Provides the introduction of the surrogate partner, from the idea that intimacy is mostly learned by experiencing it.

Related terms

• Surrogate partner therapy. The treatment in which the surrogate partner works.
• Sex work. The border area that the surrogate role sets itself apart from through the therapist.
• Sex therapy. The talk-based treatment that precedes the triad or runs alongside it.
• Sexual healing. The broader recovery that surrogate work is sometimes part of.