Safer sex

What is safer sex?

Safer sex is everything you do to lower the chance of an STI or an unwanted pregnancy during sex. Think of a condom, getting tested in time, and agreeing on who does what with whom. It is called safer and not safe, because no method takes the risk away entirely.

What safer sex looks like in practice

In practice it is rarely one thing. It is a condom, yes, but also the question you ask before you let someone close. Take a woman who, after years with the same partner, goes to bed with someone new again. She does not want a lecture on statistics. She wants to know: what do I actually do with this. Then it comes down to three things. A condom for penetration, water-based lube with it so nothing tears, and the conversation most people would rather skip, namely when each of you was last tested. Soa Aids Nederland explains that you pass on an STI through semen, pre-ejaculate, or vaginal fluid, and that a condom lowers that chance. Not to zero. Lower.

Why it is called safer and not safe

The word is chosen on purpose. A condom does not cover everything. According to Soa Aids Nederland, condoms do not fully protect against all STIs, because some are passed on through skin that falls outside the condom. Herpes and HPV, for example. On top of that, someone can have an STI and pass it on without noticing anything themselves. Thuisarts.nl puts it this way: someone can have an STI and pass it on without symptoms. That is why there is no button that sets the risk to zero. That button does not exist. There are only choices that make it smaller, and they stack on each other, so the chance drops with every step you take, even if you never land exactly on zero. A condom plus testing plus honesty is safer than any one of the three alone.

What it gives you

The clearest thing safer sex gives is peace of mind. You do not have to spend the two weeks after with a knot in your stomach, waiting to see whether something went wrong. For one person that weighs heavier than for another, but almost everyone feels the difference once it is arranged, and oddly enough the sex gets looser for it, because your head is no longer half on the risks. You give yourself over to what is happening. For both of you it means the subject is no longer the elephant in the room. What it does not do: it does not take away the tension of a new meeting, and it is no guarantee. Anyone who wants certainty instead of a smaller chance ends up at an STI test, not at a condom alone.

What you can do yourself

This is not treatment, but the line the reliable sources hold.

• Use a condom every time for penetration. Thuisarts.nl advises always using a condom during sex; it is also the only measure that stops STIs as well as pregnancy.
• Check for the CE mark and the size. Soa Aids Nederland recommends buying condoms with a CE mark and taking a size that fits, because too tight or too loose works against you.
• Choose water- or silicone-based lube. Oil, body lotion, and petroleum jelly break down the latex. Water-based does not.
• Get tested after a new steady partner. If you want to stop using condoms, use them for at least three months first and then both take an STI test. That is what Thuisarts.nl advises. Only then do you know it together.

If you are unsure whether you have been at risk, or you want to get tested, go to your doctor or a sexual health clinic. The RIVM keeps the STI figures in the Netherlands through those clinics, so that is also the place you can turn to.

What safer sex is not

“With a condom nothing can happen anymore.” Less, not nothing. Herpes and HPV sit partly on skin the condom does not cover.

“If no one has symptoms, there is nothing wrong.” An STI often gives no symptoms. No symptoms only means no symptoms, not no STI.

“Safer sex is only for casual contacts.” In a new steady relationship the same holds for the first three months, until a test shows it is fine.

What I see myself

I work as a gigolo, and safer sex is not a subject with room for negotiation with me. A condom is standard, full stop. Many women bring it up almost apologetically, as if they are asking for something difficult or awkward that they are nearly embarrassed about. It is not. The opposite, rather: someone who asks about it takes herself seriously, and that makes the rest easier. I am not a doctor and your health is not my department. But the agreement that it goes safely and discreetly, that it does not become the elephant in the room, is part of how I work.

Further reading

• Consent explains why agreeing about protection and testing belongs with consent, not outside it.
• Hoe zorg ik dat ik geen soa krijg? on Thuisarts.nl gives the practical steps on one page.
• Soa Aids Nederland goes deeper into how you get an STI and how you make that smaller.

Where this fits on this site

I do not sell safety and I do not sell medical advice. What I do is work in a way where protection is a given and you can simply ask your questions. If you are curious how a meeting goes and what gets agreed beforehand, take a look at my services. Talking first is always possible, and it commits you to nothing.

Sources

• Hoe zorg ik dat ik geen soa krijg?. Thuisarts.nl. Gives that you should always use a condom during sex, that someone can have an STI and pass it on without symptoms, and that with a new steady partner you use condoms for at least three months and then both take an STI test.
• Condooms en veilig vrijen. Soa Aids Nederland. Gives that a condom lowers the chance of an STI but does not fully protect against all STIs, that you choose condoms with a CE mark and the right size, and that lube should be water- or silicone-based and not oil.
• Soa-rapportages. RIVM. Gives that the RIVM keeps the STI figures in the Netherlands through the sexual health clinics and publishes them twice a year in the sexual health thermometer.

Related terms

• Barrier method. The gear of safer sex: condom, dental dam, glove, and finger cot in a row.
• Contraception. The pregnancy side of safer sex: means and methods to prevent getting pregnant.
• Consent. Safer sex starts with agreeing: about protection, and about when each of you was tested.
• Anal sex. Where the mucous membrane is more vulnerable, a condom and water-based lube weigh extra.
• Discretion. What you ask about testing and protection stays private, like everything we discuss.