Glossary
ORE
The familiarity of a relationship already under way, as the counterpart to the rush of something new.
What is ORE?
ORE stands for old relationship energy: the calm and self-evidence of a relationship that has been going for a while. It is the counterpart to NRE, the excited rush of something new. ORE is about familiarity and shared habits, exactly what a freshly started infatuation doesn’t have yet.
| Stands for | old relationship energy |
| Also known as | established relationship energy (ERE), because “old” sounds a little negative |
| Category | a term from polyamory and ethical non-monogamy |
| Counterpart | NRE, new relationship energy |
| What it is | the familiarity, calm and shared rituals of a longer-running relationship |
| Where it pinches | an ORE relationship can feel threatened when the partner is living NRE with someone else |
How ORE arises
ORE is what’s left once the rush of the beginning has worn off. Donatella Marazziti and colleagues measured clear hormonal differences in newly in-love people, and those had disappeared after twelve to twenty-four months. What comes then is not a lesser relationship but a different one: fewer butterflies, more to hold on to. A poly glossary from a therapy practice describes ORE as the bond that has become a stable part of your life, with set patterns and rituals that make the relationship comfortable.
Why people value ORE, and where it pinches
The appeal of ORE is that you are fully known. There is nothing left to prove, and it is that self-evidence that gives a calm a new infatuation can’t offer yet. In polyamory that is valuable: the familiar relationship is the stable base alongside the excitement someone is living elsewhere. The risk is that you start taking the familiar partner for granted, and that the ORE relationship feels threatened exactly when the other is deep in the NRE of something new. Keeping the balance between those two is one of the things poly relationships work at most.
Where this fits on this site
For some of the women who write to me, the relationship at home is pure ORE: safe and familiar, but the butterflies are gone. What I offer is not a new relationship, but the attention and tension you miss for a moment, without it taking anything away from you at home. How that goes is on my services. Questions are welcome, even if you want nothing further.
Sources
- Hormonal changes when falling in love. Donatella Marazziti & Domenico Canale, Psychoneuroendocrinology, 29(7), 931–936, 2004. Provides that the measured hormonal differences in newly in-love people had disappeared after twelve to twenty-four months, the biological reason the rush of the beginning gives way to the calm of a longer-running relationship.
- New relationship energy. Encyclopedia entry. Provides that the term is used mainly in polyamory circles and that balancing the excitement of a new relationship against the calm of a longer-running one is an important factor in making those relationships work alongside each other.
Related terms
ORE is the counterpart to the rush of something new. The terms below sit around it.
- NRE. New relationship energy, the excitement of a freshly started relationship, of which ORE is the calm counterpart.
- Ethical non-monogamy. The broader field in which ORE and NRE exist side by side.
- Polyamory. The form in which someone can have a familiar and a new relationship at once.
- Compersion. Feeling the pleasure your partner takes in someone else, which helps if you are the ORE side.
- Metamour. Your partner’s partner, often the one the NRE is playing out with.
Frequently asked questions
Questions about this term
What is ORE?
ORE stands for old relationship energy: the calm and familiarity of a relationship that has been going for a while. It is the counterpart to NRE, the excitement of something new. Some prefer to call it established relationship energy, because “old” sounds a little negative.
What is the difference between ORE and NRE?
NRE, new relationship energy, is the rush of a freshly started relationship. ORE, old relationship energy, is the calm and familiarity of a relationship already under way. Marazziti’s research showed that the hormonal rush of the beginning disappears after one to two years; what’s left is the ORE.
Who can you turn to with questions about ORE?
Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience and a background as a psychotherapist. If the relationship at home has become familiar but flat, he’ll think it over with you, with no obligation and without judgment. You can ask him a question through the contact form or first chat for free.
Learn more
Still have questions about ORE?
I'm Victor. If the relationship at home has become familiar but flat, I'll think it over with you, with no obligation. Feel free to ask your question. No pressure, I'll message you back whenever suits you.