Glossary
Cowgirl
The female side of the same story, and why it goes down so badly in poly circles.
What is a cowgirl?
Cowgirl is the female form of cowboy in polyamory: a woman who pretends to be poly, starts a relationship with a poly partner, and then pries that partner loose from his or her other relationships to have him or her all to herself. The behavior is a cowboy’s, only a woman is the one carrying it out.
| Dutch term | cowgirl, a loanword used untranslated in the Dutch poly vocabulary |
| Also known as | cowgirling (the behavior); the gender-neutral term is cowpoke |
| Category | ethical non-monogamy, behavior within a polycule |
| Male counterpart | cowboy |
| Not to be confused with | a woman who honestly says she would rather be monogamous; with a cowgirl the deceit lies precisely in hiding that goal |
| How it lands | in poly circles usually as a red flag, almost never as a neutral choice |
Where the word comes from
The name is the female half of a word pair. Ready for Polyamory gives cowboy and cowgirl as the gendered names for someone who pretends to be poly and, in time, tries to pry a partner loose from the polycule into an exclusive relationship. Where cowboy points to the man, cowgirl stands for the woman who does the same. The image behind it, an animal roped out of the herd with a lasso, is explained on the page about the cowboy.
Why it happens
Gender changes nothing about the motive. A cowgirl too usually acts out of jealousy or out of the wish to have a partner all to herself, even at the cost of that partner’s other relationships. Franklin Veaux describes this pattern on More Than Two without distinguishing by gender and calls it “a constant problem” in poly circles. That a woman does it makes it no less of a boundary violation: the core is that it happens behind the partner’s back.
Sources
- Spotlight on the Glossary of Polyamorous Terms. More Than Two, Franklin Veaux, 2024. Describes this behavior as a recurring problem in poly circles, without distinguishing by the gender of whoever does it.
Related terms
A cowgirl falls under ethical non-monogamy, the umbrella for relationships with more than one consenting partner, and is the female side of cowboy.
- Ethical non-monogamy. The umbrella under which this behavior plays out.
- Cowboy. The male counterpart, with the full origin of the word.
- Polyamory. The practice a cowgirl tries to pull a partner away from.
- Monogamy. The end goal a cowgirl silently pursues.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about cowgirl behavior in polyamory.
What is a cowgirl in polyamory?
A cowgirl is a woman who pretends to be polyamorous, enters a relationship with a poly person, and then tries to pry that partner loose into a monogamous relationship for herself. It is the female counterpart of a cowboy.
What is the difference between a cowgirl and a cowboy?
The only difference is gender: a cowgirl is a woman who does this, a cowboy a man. The behavior, the motive and how poly circles judge it are the same.
Who can you turn to with questions about cowgirl behavior?
Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. Women and couples from a polycule sometimes ask him about boundaries and trust, and cowgirl behavior is a familiar topic there. You can ask him a question with no strings attached through the contact form or first chat for free.
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Still have questions about cowgirl behavior?
I'm Victor. Women and couples from a polycule sometimes ask me about boundaries and trust, and cowgirl behavior is a familiar topic there. Feel free to ask yours. No obligation, I'll text you back whenever it suits you.