Glossary
Cowboy
The word that, in poly circles, is not meant as a compliment, and why not.
What is a cowboy?
Cowboy is, in polyamory, someone who poses as polyamorous, enters a relationship with a poly person, and then tries to pull them out of the polycule to have them monogamously for themselves after all. The image comes from an animal being lassoed out of the herd. In Dutch the term is used untranslated.
| Dutch term | Identical. Cowboy is an English loanword used untranslated in the Dutch poly vocabulary. |
| Also known as | cowboying (the behavior), the gender-neutral cowpoke |
| Category | ethical non-monogamy, behavior within a polycule |
| Female counterpart | cowgirl |
| Not to be confused with | a polyamorous person who openly says they would rather become monogamous. With a cowboy the deceit is in hiding that goal |
| How it is seen | usually as a red flag, rarely as a neutral relationship style |
Where the word comes from
Ready for Polyamory calls cowboy and cowgirl “the gendered names for someone who poses as polyamorous and, after entering a relationship, tries to take that partner out of the polycule to have them monogamously for themselves after all, so called because they rope someone away from the herd”. So the image is literal: luring one animal away from the rest.
Why it happens
The driving force is usually jealousy or the wish to have a partner all to oneself, even if the partner’s other relationships have to die for it. Franklin Veaux on More Than Two calls cowboys monogamous people who think they can start a relationship with a polyamorous person and then pull them toward monogamy, “a constant problem” in poly circles. It is rarely seen there as a neutral relationship style: it counts as boundary-crossing behavior, precisely because it happens behind the partner’s back.
Sources
- Spotlight on the Glossary of Polyamorous Terms. More Than Two, Franklin Veaux, 2024. Describes cowboys as monogamous people who start a relationship with a polyamorous person to then pull them toward monogamy, and calls that a recurring problem in poly circles.
Related terms
Cowboy is a behavioral pattern within ethical non-monogamy, the broader umbrella for relationship forms with more than one consenting partner.
- Ethical non-monogamy. The umbrella under which this behavior takes place.
- Cowgirl. The female counterpart, the same pattern from the other side.
- Polyamory. The relationship form in which a cowboy usually shows up.
- Monogamy. The outcome a cowboy secretly tries to pull a partner toward.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about cowboy behavior in polyamory.
What is a cowboy in polyamory?
A cowboy is someone who poses as polyamorous, enters a relationship with a poly person and then tries to pry that partner loose into a monogamous relationship for themselves. The image comes from an animal being roped out of the herd.
What is the difference between a cowboy and a cowgirl?
The only difference is gender: a cowboy is a man who does this, a cowgirl a woman. The behavior, the motive and how it is judged in poly circles are the same.
Who can you turn to with questions about cowboy behavior?
With Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. Women and couples from a polycule sometimes ask him questions about limits and trust, and cowboy behavior is a familiar topic there. You can ask him a question with no obligation through the contact form or first chat for free.
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Still have questions about cowboy behavior?
I am Victor. Women and couples from a polycule sometimes ask me questions about limits and trust, and cowboy behavior is a familiar topic there. Feel free to ask yours. No obligation, I will WhatsApp you back at your own pace.