Glossary
Reparative sex
For anyone who wants to put something good back after something bad, and wants to know whether that's wise.
What is reparative sex?
Reparative sex is sex mainly meant to overwrite an earlier bad experience with a good one. Think of starting again after a nasty first time or after a relationship that hurt. It can help, and it can come too soon. There is no fixed English term for it.
| In Dutch | herstelseks; no fixed term, the closest is reclaiming your sexuality |
| Also known as | sex to repair something, starting again |
| Category | a way of dealing with a stress response around sex and touch |
| When it helps | when you’re ready for it yourself and feel safe |
| When it chafes | when it goes too fast, or is to reassure someone else |
| Important | with a real trauma a GP or sexologist belongs to it, not a date |
How reparative sex can work, and where it goes wrong
Reparative sex works by laying a new, good experience on top of an old one. Research on sexuality after a sexual assault shows that pleasure and surrender can come back, but that time and your own pace are decisive in that. Survivors describe that it helps to take sex back on your own terms, and not to please someone else. That is also where the trap is. Too soon, or to prove that nothing is wrong, and a good intention can keep the wound open instead. If it’s about a real trauma, then a sexologist or your GP is the place, not an appointment.
What you may expect from it
If the timing is right, reparative sex often gives back something small and important: the proof that touch can also be nice and safe. That your body is not broken. You shouldn’t ask more of it right away. It doesn’t overwrite a memory in one go, and it is no treatment. What it can be is a gentle first step, provided you take it because you want to.
Where this fits on my site
If you want to start again at a pace you set, without pressure and with someone who watches how you’re doing, that is exactly how I work. How such an appointment goes you can read under intimate togetherness. And if there’s something heavy underneath, talk to your GP or a sexologist first. Questions to me are always fine, with no obligation.
Sources
- Sexuality and Sexual Pleasure After Sexual Assault. T. Daglieri and M. Andelloux, The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2013. Gives that sexual pleasure after a sexual assault can come back, and that pace and time are decisive in that.
- Sexual Assault Impacts on Sexuality and Queer Identity. E. O’Callaghan et al., Critical Criminology, 2023. Gives that survivors like to take their sexuality back on their own terms as part of recovery.
Related terms
Reparative sex touches on the fight-or-flight response, the body that can stay on edge after something bad.
- Fight-or-flight response. The foundation: why a body blocks or charges up after a bad experience, and how that affects sex.
- Consent. The heart of reparative sex: you decide whether, when and how far, each step anew.
- Attachment style. How earlier experiences color how you let closeness in now.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about reparative sex.
What is reparative sex?
Reparative sex is sex meant to overwrite an earlier bad experience with a good one, for example after a nasty first time or a relationship that hurt. It can be a gentle new step. With a real trauma a sexologist or GP belongs to it, not a date.
Can reparative sex come too soon?
Yes. If it goes too fast, or if you do it to prove that nothing is wrong, a good intention can keep the wound open instead. Reparative sex only helps when you’re ready for it yourself and feel safe. If you’re unsure, talk to a sexologist or your GP first.
Who can you turn to with questions about reparative sex?
For the heavier side, a trauma or ongoing complaints, a sexologist or your GP. For starting again at a safe, calm pace you can turn to Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. You can ask through the contact form or chat for free first.
Learn more
Still have questions about reparative sex?
I'm Victor, a gigolo. Starting again at your own pace, without pressure, is exactly how I work. If there's something heavy underneath, I'd rather point you to a sexologist. Ask your question whenever you like, I'll message you back at your own pace.