Glossary
Performance anxiety in bed
Afraid of failing in bed, and getting stuck precisely because of that fear.
What is performance anxiety in bed?
Performance anxiety in bed (sexual performance anxiety) is the fear of falling short sexually or not satisfying your partner, and that very fear gets in the way of sex. It belongs to no official diagnosis and is still common, from trouble with arousal to not daring at all anymore.
| In Dutch | faalangst in bed, literally fear of failure in bed |
| What it is | fear of failing in bed, which blocks sexual functioning instead |
| Acts on | the sexual response cycle: the fear interrupts the arousal |
| How common | according to Pyke, 6 to 16 percent of women and 9 to 25 percent of men |
| Not to be confused with | low desire (libido): here the desire is there, the fear sits in front of it |
| What helps | attention back to what you feel, away from how you do it |
How performance anxiety in bed works
Performance anxiety in bed feeds itself. The International Society for Sexual Medicine describes it as a harmful cycle: you worry about how you are performing, get afraid of failing, get stuck because of that, and then worry even more. That fear acts precisely on the sexual response cycle, because a body needs calm to get aroused and fear puts that same body on alert. Still, performance anxiety in bed stands in no manual as a separate diagnosis, while it is one of the most common sexual complaints. That is what Robert Pyke writes in Sexual Medicine Reviews (2020).
What helps with performance anxiety in bed
What does the most is shifting the attention from performing to feeling. The ISSM advises staying in the moment, removing distraction, and focusing on what you feel instead of on how you are functioning. My own experience sits there too: the less that is required, the easier a body gives itself over, and in an intimate togetherness that is exactly the starting point. I’m a gigolo, not a clinician, so for the complaint itself your GP or a sexologist is the place. Calm, pace, and the freedom to stop often do more for intimacy than technique.
Sources
- Sexual Performance Anxiety. Robert E. Pyke, Sexual Medicine Reviews 8(2), 183-190, 2020. Provides the finding that no recognized diagnosis exists, the figures of 6 to 16 percent among women and 9 to 25 percent among men, and that performance anxiety causes or maintains most sexual problems.
- What Is Sexual Performance Anxiety and How Can One Manage It?. International Society for Sexual Medicine, 2021. Provides the definition as fear around sex, the description of the harmful cycle, and the advice to focus on what you feel instead of on performing.
Related terms
Performance anxiety in bed is a complaint around the sexual response cycle, the sequence of phases the fear interrupts.
- Sexual response cycle. The pillar: the phases of arousal that performance anxiety blocks.
- Anorgasmia. Not being able to climax, something performance anxiety can encourage.
- Libido. The desire itself, which with performance anxiety is there but does not come through.
- Tantra. Slow, present lovemaking where nothing is required, exactly the antidote to performance pressure.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about performance anxiety in bed.
What is performance anxiety in bed?
Performance anxiety in bed is the fear of failing sexually or not satisfying your partner, where that fear blocks sex instead. The desire can simply be there, but the tension sits in front of it. It is common and belongs to no official diagnosis.
What causes performance anxiety in bed?
Performance anxiety in bed often arises as a cycle that feeds itself: you worry about how you are performing, get afraid of failing, get stuck because of that, and then worry even more. That way the fear acts on the arousal, which needs calm instead. Getting stuck once can be enough to begin the next time already tense.
Who can you turn to with questions about performance anxiety in bed?
For performance anxiety in bed itself, your GP or a sexologist is the first step. For the intimate side you can turn to Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. He is not a clinician, but thinks along with no obligation about calm and pace. Ask your question through the contact form or first chat for free.
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Still have questions about performance anxiety in bed?
I'm Victor, a gigolo with a background as a psychotherapist. For the complaint itself, your GP or a sexologist is the place. Want to know how sex becomes calm and relaxed again? Ask your question with no obligation, I'll text you back at your own pace.