Glossary
Intake
The conversation before anything happens, borrowed from care work and just as useful at a kitchen table.
What is an intake?
Intake (in full, intake interview) is the conversation beforehand in which a provider and a client go over the wishes, limits, health and expectations before anything happens. The word comes from care work, where the intake is the first conversation with a new client. On a date the intake lays the base for what will and won’t happen.
| English term | intake interview or intake appointment |
| Also known as | intake conversation, pre-talk |
| Category | a term from care work and sex work |
| Not to be confused with | negotiation: the intake maps things out, the negotiation sets the concrete limits |
| Applies to | the phase before an appointment: wishes, limits, health, expectations |
| Main thing to watch | an intake is there to inform, not to talk you into anything |
Where the word comes from
Intake comes from clinical psychology. There the intake interview, according to the English encyclopedia, is the first contact between client and care provider, in which the provider maps the complaint and builds a first bond. That conversation does two things at once: gather information and build trust. In the teaching article by Pashak and Heron that’s put briefly as “build rapport and collect data”. On a date an intake works exactly the same way.
Why an intake matters
For you, the intake is the moment to say what you do and don’t want while nothing is happening yet. That’s a safe place to name uncomfortable things: a health question, a limit, a fantasy you still have to get used to yourself. Research into care work shows how heavily that first conversation weighs: almost all clients decide after the intake whether they come back. Still, an intake has a limit. It’s as usable as what you dare to put into it, and it’s not a contract: what you discuss may still shift on the day itself.
What I do with it myself
As a psychotherapist I’ve done thousands of intakes, and for a date I do one too. I ask about your wishes, your limits, your health and what you want to take away from the evening. The vaguer the intake, the more awkward the date. I see that every time. Anyone who dares to say one concrete sentence beforehand about what she’s looking for almost never needs it again on the evening itself. So I take the time for it, without your having to commit to anything. For a BDSM date that intake is extra important, because that’s exactly where you want to have clear beforehand what you do and don’t want.
What this comes down to with me
If you want to know how such a conversation goes with me, that’s on the page about the conversation beforehand: what we discuss, how we agree on your limits and your safeword, and what I need to know to keep you safe. You’re committed to nothing by having such a conversation.
Sources
- Build rapport and collect data: A teaching resource on the clinical interviewing intake. Pashak & Heron, Discover Psychology, 2022. Sums up the double task of the intake as building rapport and gathering data.
- Intake interview. Wikipedia. Describes the intake as the first contact between client and care provider and the fact that almost all clients decide after that conversation whether they return.
Related terms
Intake is a term from care work that also belongs in sex work, the broader page about the trade.
- Sex work. The umbrella concept; the intake is the phase that precedes an appointment.
- Negotiation. The step after the intake, where the limits you named are set down concretely.
- Intake form. The written version of the intake, where you put your wishes and limits in black and white.
- Screening. The laying of expectations side by side that often happens in the same phase.
- Kinklist. The list of preferences you can fill in before the intake if you want.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about the intake.
What is an intake?
An intake is the conversation beforehand in which your wishes, limits, health and expectations are gone over before anything happens. The word comes from care work, where the intake is the first conversation with a new client. On a date the intake lays the base for what does and doesn’t happen.
What is the difference between an intake and negotiation?
An intake maps what you want, what your limits are and what’s going on; negotiation then sets down the concrete arrangements. The intake is the broader getting-to-know conversation, the negotiation is the fine-tuning of what does and doesn’t happen. In practice they run into each other, but an intake without clear arrangements is not yet a green light.
Who can you turn to with questions about an intake?
Victor, a gigolo with over twenty-five years of experience and a background as a psychotherapist. I do an intake before every date, so questions about what you discuss beforehand and how you approach it are ones I’m glad to answer. You can ask me a question with no obligation through the contact form or first chat for free.
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Still have questions about the intake?
I'm Victor, a gigolo and originally a psychotherapist. I do an intake before every date, so questions about what you discuss beforehand are ones I hear often. Send me a message. No obligation, I'll text you back when it suits you.