Glossary
Consent workshop
A meeting where you learn and practice how to talk about consent.
What is a consent workshop?
A consent workshop (Dutch: toestemmingsworkshop) is a meeting, often in the kink or BDSM scene, where you learn and practice how to talk about consent: how to ask for what you want, how to say where your limit lies, and how to keep checking in while you are together. It is one of the ways a consent culture gets put into practice.
| Dutch term | toestemmingsworkshop |
| Where | often in the kink or BDSM scene |
| You practice | asking, naming limits, tuning in as you go |
| Tools | negotiation, yes/no/maybe lists, the traffic-light system |
| Puts into practice | consent culture |
What you learn there
It comes down to the conversation beforehand and the tuning-in while it happens. The harm-reduction organization DanceSafe describes how you talk through in advance what will and will not happen, with tools like yes/no/maybe lists and the traffic-light system: green is keep going, yellow is ease off, red is stop right away. And consent is not settled after one agreement, DanceSafe stresses: it has to be confirmed again through check-ins. In that same conversation you go over your hard and soft limits and safewords, as a joint effort toward what feels good for both of you. Skills you use outside the bedroom too.
What a consent workshop is not
“That sounds like a dull theory class.” Usually it is the opposite. You practice with scripts and examples, and most people find that asking feels easier to talk about than they thought. It is a skill you do, not a rule you memorize.
What I see of it myself
I do not run workshops, but the skills you learn there are ones I use as a gigolo every time. Talking through clearly beforehand what you do and do not want, and checking in during our meeting whether it still feels right. I notice that women who have practiced something like this once often find it easier to say where their limit lies, and that makes a date better for both of us. Never learned it? No worries. With me it works itself out, because I get the conversation going myself. What I go through with you beforehand is on the page about consent.
Sources
- Navigating mutual consent agreements. DanceSafe. Backs up that you talk through in advance what will and will not happen, with yes/no/maybe lists and the traffic-light system, and that consent is confirmed again through check-ins.
Related terms
- Consent culture. The culture that a consent workshop puts into practice.
- Negotiation. The conversation beforehand that you practice there.
- Workshop. The broader form; a consent workshop is the version about consent.
What is a consent workshop?
A consent workshop is a meeting, often in the kink or BDSM scene, where you learn and practice how to talk about consent: asking, naming your limits, and tuning in while you are together. It puts a consent culture into practice.
What is the traffic-light system you learn there?
The traffic light is a simple way to stay in tune while you are together. Green means keep going, yellow means ease off or check in for a moment, and red means stop right away. That way you can show where things stand without a long explanation, even when talking is hard for a moment.
Want to know more
Never practiced naming your limits?
I'm Victor, a gigolo for women. I get the conversation about what you do and do not want going myself, so you do not need any skill for it. Curious how that goes? You can always ask me something, with no strings attached.