Glossary
Sexual upbringing
How caregivers guide children around body, boundaries, and sexuality, and how that colors you later.
What is sexual upbringing?
Sexual upbringing is how parents and caregivers guide children around relationships, body, boundaries, and sexuality. It’s more than talking about sex and STIs: it’s about resilience, self-confidence, and learning to state your wants and boundaries. How you were raised around sex colors how you look at it as an adult.
| In Dutch | seksuele opvoeding |
| Also known as | sexuality education |
| What it covers | relationships, sexuality, and resilience, according to the NJi |
| Who does it | parents and teachers together |
| Not to be confused with | formal sex education, the lessons at school |
| Related to | sexual communication and consent |
What sexual upbringing looks like in practice
Sexual upbringing starts long before it’s about sex. According to the Netherlands Youth Institute (NJi), it’s about relationships, sexuality, and resilience, including body awareness, boundaries, and emotions. Take a child who learns it’s allowed to say no to a hug it doesn’t want. That’s sexual upbringing at its core: not a talk about the birds and the bees, but passing on that your body is yours. Building blocks like that come back years later in how someone deals with intimacy.
What research says about it
The effects are well studied. According to Rutgers, good sexual upbringing gives children more self-confidence and a more positive self-image, and they state their wants and boundaries better. And the stubborn fear that talking pushes children toward early sex isn’t true: to the question of whether children have sex earlier because of education, the answer, according to Rutgers, “is and stays no”. Internationally, UNESCO points the same way: good sex education doesn’t raise sexual activity, but actually delays the first time and increases the use of condoms and contraception.
Why sexual upbringing matters
The payoff reaches far into adult life. For the child, good upbringing means more self-confidence and a firmer sense of boundaries. For the adult that child becomes, it often means easier talking about sex and less shame. For you as a reader, this is the place to recognize where your own attitude comes from: a lot of what now feels self-evident or, on the contrary, loaded, was laid down at home. What it doesn’t do: a less open upbringing isn’t a life sentence. What you took on, you can adjust as an adult.
What you can do yourself
- Recognize your own baggage. If you notice shame or discomfort, ask whether that’s yours or from how you were raised.
- Learn to name your boundary after all. What you didn’t get earlier, you can practice now, exactly what a good upbringing aims for.
- Pass on what works. If you have children yourself, sexual upbringing starts with body awareness and the right to say no, not with one big talk.
What sexual upbringing is not
“It’s that one talk about the birds and the bees.” No. The NJi stresses that it’s much broader: relationships, resilience, and boundaries, built up over years.
“Education makes children precocious.” Not true. Both Rutgers and UNESCO show that good education doesn’t move sex earlier, but actually delays it and makes it safer.
What I see myself
I’m Victor, a gigolo, and I see daily how far sexual upbringing carries. Women who learned at home that sex was something to keep quiet about often still carry that silence, even when they’ve long known it can be different. What stands out to me: as soon as someone realizes a block comes from their upbringing and not from themselves, something drops away. I’m not an educator and not a therapist, but a place without judgment often makes visible what was once passed on.
Further reading
- Sexual communication shows how you learn to talk about wants and boundaries after all.
- Sex-positive describes the open attitude that good upbringing tries to pass on.
- Comprehensive sexuality education from UNESCO sums up the international evidence.
Where this fits on this site
I’m not an educator, but my work touches what upbringing laid down long ago. If you notice old shame getting in your way, a meeting without judgment is sometimes a light way to feel that it can be different. Curious how that goes? Have a look at intimate togetherness. A quick chat first is always fine, and you don’t have to say yes to anything yet.
Sources
- Seksuele opvoeding is meer dan praten over seks en soa’s. Netherlands Youth Institute. Gives that sexual upbringing is about relationships, sexuality, and resilience, including body awareness, boundaries, and emotions.
- Goede seksuele opvoeding doen ouders en leerkrachten samen. Rutgers. Gives that good sexual upbringing leads to more self-confidence and a more positive self-image, and that education doesn’t push children toward earlier sex.
- Comprehensive sexuality education. UNESCO. Gives that good sex education doesn’t raise sexual activity, actually delays the first time, and increases the use of condoms and contraception.
Related terms
- Sexual communication. The skill a good sexual upbringing passes on.
- Consent. Learning to say no and state boundaries starts in the upbringing.
- Sex-positive. The open attitude that good upbringing tries to pass on.
Frequently asked questions
Questions about this term
What is sexual upbringing?
Sexual upbringing is how parents and caregivers guide children around relationships, body, boundaries, and sexuality. According to the Netherlands Youth Institute, it’s more than talking about sex and STIs: it’s also about resilience, body awareness, and learning to state your wants and boundaries. How you were raised around sex colors how you look at it as an adult.
Does sex education make children precocious?
No. Both Rutgers and UNESCO show that good sex education doesn’t push children toward earlier sex. On the contrary: it actually delays the first time and increases the use of condoms and contraception. Talking makes children better prepared, not more precocious.
What is the difference from formal sex education?
Sexual upbringing is the guidance at home, by parents and caregivers, and it starts as early as body awareness and boundaries at a young age. Formal sex education is the school side: the lessons about relationships and sexuality in education. According to Rutgers, parents and teachers do that upbringing best together.
Who can you turn to with questions about sexual upbringing?
For raising your children, the Netherlands Youth Institute and Rutgers offer reliable information. If you notice old shame from your own upbringing getting in your way, I’m Victor, a gigolo, not a therapist, but a meeting without judgment can be a light way to feel that it can be different, with no obligation or through chatting for free.
Learn more
Still have questions about sexual upbringing?
I'm Victor, a gigolo, not an educator or therapist. But if you notice old shame from your upbringing still getting in your way, a meeting without judgment is sometimes a light way to feel that it can be different. Curious? Send me a message. I read everything back in my own time.