Glossary
Relationship anarchy smorgasbord
The worksheet that turns the open question of relationship anarchy into a concrete conversation.
What is the relationship anarchy smorgasbord?
The relationship anarchy smorgasbord is a worksheet with which you put a relationship together element by element, instead of following a fixed template. Together you choose what does and doesn’t go on your shared “plate”: communication, emotional and physical closeness, romance, living together, kink. It is a practical tool within relationship anarchy.
| Also known as | RA smorgasbord |
| What it is | a worksheet for putting a relationship together element by element |
| Created by | Lyrica Lawrence and Heather Orr (Vancouver Polyamory), December 2016 |
| Category | a tool within relationship anarchy |
| Elements | communication, emotional and physical closeness, romance, household, kink, partnership |
| As opposed to | the relationship escalator, the fixed standard package |
Where the smorgasbord comes from
The worksheet is a community product. According to Multiamory it was “originally created by Lyrica Lawrence and Heather Orr of Vancouver polyamory in December 2016”, and afterward updated in several versions by Maxx Hill with input from polyamory and relationship anarchy groups. The core is nicely put at Ready for Polyamory: every relationship is like a plate you fill together from a buffet full of options. Per element you indicate whether you want it, with choices like “yes, maybe, maybe later, no”, or you color in how often.
Why people use the smorgasbord
The appeal is in making it concrete. Relationship anarchy asks you to shape a bond yourself, and that sounds free until you sit down at the table and don’t know where to start. The smorgasbord turns that open question into a list you go through together. For you it becomes clear what you really want instead of what you assume. For the other person it becomes visible where you agree and disagree, before a wrong assumption becomes a disappointment. What it is not: a contract. The filled-in list is a starting point for the conversation, not a replacement for it, and what you tick today may change tomorrow.
Where this fits on my site
You fill in the smorgasbord with the people in your own life, not with me. What I do work the same way: agreeing beforehand what you do and don’t want, per element, instead of assuming a standard package. How that goes beforehand you can read under my services. Sounding it out first is always fine, and that commits you to nothing.
Sources
- The Smorgasbord of Relationships. Multiamory. Gives that the smorgasbord was “originally created by Lyrica Lawrence and Heather Orr of Vancouver polyamory in December 2016”, afterward updated by Maxx Hill, and meant for choosing together what goes on your shared relationship plate, for all kinds of relationships.
Related terms
The relationship anarchy smorgasbord is the practical tool of relationship anarchy: the way you let go of the ranking and choose anew per bond.
- Relationship anarchy. The starting point the smorgasbord is the practical fill-in of.
- Relationship escalator. The fixed standard package the smorgasbord breaks open.
- Ethical non-monogamy. The broader umbrella within which the worksheet is used.
- Polycule. The network in which different agreements per bond exist side by side.
Frequently asked questions
Questions about this term
What is the relationship anarchy smorgasbord?
The relationship anarchy smorgasbord is a worksheet with which you put a relationship together element by element, instead of following a fixed template. Together you choose what does and doesn’t go on your shared plate, from communication and closeness to romance, living together and kink. It is a practical tool within relationship anarchy.
How do you use the relationship anarchy smorgasbord?
You go through the categories together and indicate per element whether you want it, with choices like “yes, maybe, maybe later, no”, or you color in how often. That makes visible where you agree and disagree. The filled-in list is a starting point for the conversation, not a contract, and what you tick today may change tomorrow.
Who can you turn to with questions about the relationship anarchy smorgasbord?
Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience and a background as a psychotherapist. You fill in the worksheet with the people in your own life, but Victor is glad to think along about agreeing per element what you want. Ask your question through the contact form or chat for free first.
Learn more
Still have questions about the relationship anarchy smorgasbord?
I'm Victor, a gigolo with a background as a psychotherapist. You fill in the worksheet with your own people, but I work the same way: agreeing beforehand, per element, what you do and don't want. Curious how that goes? Write me whenever you like and I'll pick it up calmly.