Glossary
Red flag
Not one misstep, but the pattern you're allowed to go on when you choose a partner.
What is a red flag?
A red flag is a warning sign that someone handles a relationship or meeting in an unhealthy or unsafe way: a boundary that gets waved away, jealousy, control, or haste. The word comes from the danger signal, where a red flag means watch out. It is the opposite of a green flag, which tells you that you can go ahead.
| In Dutch | rode vlag, opposite groene vlag |
| Origin | the danger signal: the red flag as a sign to stop or watch out |
| What to watch for in play | a boundary that gets waved away, no room for a safeword, haste |
| Opposite | the green flag, a sign that you can go ahead |
| Category | a warning sign within BDSM and relationships |
| Core | it is about the pattern and about the reaction to your boundary, not about one loose sign |
What a red flag means
A red flag says: something is off here, look closer. According to the dictionary, a red flag is simply “a danger signal”. In relationships that has grown into a name for warning signs. On the clinically reviewed Choosing Therapy, therapist Jessie Gonzalez, LMFT, describes red flags as “warning signs that alert individuals of characteristics of a toxic partner or developing relationship”, with examples such as not respecting boundaries, controlling behavior, jealousy, lying and excessive criticism.
What to watch for when you choose a play partner
The clearest thing is not what someone says, but how someone reacts when you draw a boundary. Anyone who sulks, pushes through or makes your safeword unimportant is showing you something before anything has even happened. That is valuable to you: a red flag gives you a reason to take it slower or walk away, while you still can. Watch too for haste, for someone who wants to skip the conversation about boundaries, and for jealousy that dresses itself up as involvement. What stays important is that one red flag is not yet proof. It is about the pattern, and above all about what happens once you say something about that sign. If someone then reacts irritated instead of taking it seriously, that in itself is already an answer.
Where this fits on my site
A calm pace, room for a safeword and an honest conversation beforehand are part of how I work, and those are exactly the things whose absence is a red flag. If you’re unsure about someone, or you want to know what to watch for with me before you arrange anything, you may ask anything, with no obligation. How a meeting goes you can read under my services.
Sources
- red flag. Dictionary.com. Gives the base meaning of a red flag as “a danger signal”, from which the relationship meaning is derived.
Related terms
A red flag is a warning sign within BDSM and relationships, and the opposite of the green flag.
- BDSM. The context in which choosing a safe play partner matters all the more.
- Green flag. The positive counterpart: what you can actually go on.
- Consent. Someone who waves away your boundary or safeword shows the clearest red flag.
- Screening. The checking beforehand that helps you spot red flags earlier.
Frequently asked questions
Questions about this term
What is a red flag?
A red flag is a warning sign that someone handles a relationship or meeting in an unhealthy or unsafe way. Think of a boundary that gets waved away, jealousy, control or haste. It is the opposite of a green flag, and the word comes from the danger signal.
What do you watch for when choosing a play partner?
How someone reacts when you draw a boundary. Anyone who sulks, pushes through or makes your safeword unimportant shows a red flag before anything has even happened. One sign is not yet proof, but it is about the pattern and about the reaction the moment you say something about it. If someone then reacts irritated instead of taking it seriously, that in itself is an answer.
Who can you turn to with questions about red flags?
Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience and a background as a psychotherapist. If you’re unsure about someone, or you want to know what to watch for when arranging something, Victor will think it through with you. Ask your question through the contact form or chat for free first.
Learn more
Still have questions about red flags?
I'm Victor, a gigolo with a background as a psychotherapist. Room for a safeword and an honest conversation beforehand are part of how I work, and the absence of that is itself a red flag. Unsure about someone? Ask whatever you want to know, with no obligation at all.