Glossary
Limits list
Your no's written down, so you don't have to defend them in the moment.
What is a limits list?
A limits list is a record, written in advance, of what is definitely off the table, so that no one has to work those boundaries out on the spot. It mostly pins down the hard and soft boundaries: the no’s and the provided-thats. Unlike a kinklist, which inventories every preference, a limits list is about where things stop.
| Dutch term | grenzenlijst |
| Category | a form of conversation and tool within BDSM |
| Pins down | hard boundaries and soft boundaries |
| Unlike | a kinklist or checklist, which instead inventory preferences |
| Why write it down | so a boundary doesn’t have to be invented or defended in the moment |
| Stays | alive; you add to it the moment you learn something new about yourself |
What goes on a limits list
A limits list gathers the things that stay out of play. The encyclopedia distinguishes two kinds of boundary that belong here: the hard boundary, something that must not happen because it is deeply uncomfortable or triggers a flinch, and the soft boundary, something a person hesitates over but can agree to under strict conditions. A good limits list notes both, and with the soft boundaries it notes the condition too. That way your partner knows what may not happen, and when something might be possible after all.
Why people make one
The use of writing it down shows up at the moment you don’t. A boundary that sits on paper is one you don’t have to explain while you’re aroused or nervous, and that is exactly when boundaries are hardest to guard. For someone new, a limits list makes the conversation concrete instead of vague.
A limits list is never finished, by the way. What you write down today can sit differently next year, and that is allowed: the list follows you, not the other way around.
Where this fits on my site
I like working with what you write down beforehand, because it gives us both something to hold on to. If you want to go through something like that together before anything happens, I take my time over it; for a BDSM date it is a fixed part of the pre-talk. Feel free to ask a question, no strings attached.
Sources
- Limits (BDSM). Wikipedia. Provides the two kinds of boundary that belong on a limits list: the hard boundary (something that must not happen) and the soft boundary (something with strict conditions that a person can still agree to).
Related terms
A limits list is a tool within BDSM for pinning down boundaries before the play begins.
- BDSM. The pillar: the play of power and surrender in which a limits list guards the no’s.
- Hard boundary. The absolute boundary that belongs at the top of a limits list.
- Soft boundary. The boundary with conditions, which gets its provided-thats on the list.
- Kinklist. The related list that inventories preferences instead of boundaries.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about the limits list.
What is a limits list?
A limits list is a record, written in advance, of what is definitely off the table, so that no one has to work those boundaries out on the spot. It mostly pins down the hard and soft boundaries. That way you don’t have to explain a boundary at the moment you’re aroused or nervous.
What is the difference from a kinklist?
A limits list is about where things stop: the no’s and the conditions. A kinklist instead inventories every preference, from yes to maybe to no. They complete each other: the kinklist shows what you want, the limits list guards what stays out of play.
Who can you turn to with questions about the limits list?
Victor, a gigolo with around twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. He likes working with what you write down beforehand and goes through such a list with you unhurried. You can ask him a question through the contact form or chat for free first.
Learn more
Still have questions about the limits list?
I'm Victor, a BDSM gigolo. I like working with what you write down beforehand, because it gives us both something to hold on to. Want to go through such a list together? Ask your question, no strings attached, and I'll message you back at your own pace.