Glossary
Kink identity
The difference between doing something and being something, for anyone who notices kink is more than a hobby.
What is kink identity?
Kink identity is kink as part of who you are, rather than only something you do. With a kink identity, your preference feels less like a hobby and more like a piece of yourself, comparable to a sexual orientation. Not everyone with a kink experiences it that way: for some it is play, for others an identity.
| Also known as | being kinky, as opposed to doing kink |
| Category | part of someone’s sexual identity; belongs with kink and BDSM |
| Not to be confused with | kink discovery: that is the process of exploring, not the identity itself |
| What it consists of | research points to four threads: sex, power, headspace, and community |
| Key point | having a kink and having a kink identity are not the same |
What a kink identity consists of
A kink identity is more than a preference for one act. In a study by Vivid, Lev, and Sprott, based on seventy interviews, four threads kept coming back: sex, power, headspace (the altered state of awareness during play), and community. For one person the sensation weighs heaviest, for another the role-play or the sense of belonging in a group. Sprott and Benoit Hadcock describe how kink sits so deep for some people that it resembles a sexual orientation more than a choice. That is what makes it an identity: not something you pick up and put down again, but something that is simply there.
Why kink identity matters
Realizing that kink belongs to you, rather than being something you “do on the side,” often lifts a weight. You do not have to explain your preference as a phase or a problem, and that spares you shame. For you it can mean you dare to be more honest about what you are looking for in a relationship or on a date. At the same time, plenty of people with a kink do not experience it as an identity, and that is fine too. A kink can be pure play. Kink identity describes one way people experience it, not a label you have to stick on yourself.
Where this fits with me
Whether kink is play for you or a piece of who you are, you do not have to justify it with me. If you want to lay out at your own pace what appeals to you, you can do that with the inspiration list: not a test with a result, just a way to sort your preferences before you share anything.
Sources
- The Structure of Kink Identity: Four Key Themes Within a World of Complexity. Vivid, Lev & Sprott, Journal of Positive Sexuality 6(2), 2020. Finds four recurring themes in kink identity across seventy interviews: sex, power, headspace, and community.
- Bisexuality, pansexuality, queer identity, and kink identity. Sprott & Benoit Hadcock, Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 2018. Describes how kink is, for some people, an identity that resembles a sexual orientation more than a loose activity.
Related terms
- Kink. The broader concept; kink identity is about kink that feels like part of yourself.
- BDSM. A common form kink takes, and for some the core of their identity.
- Kink discovery. The process by which people arrive at that identity, or notice that for them it stays play.
- Kinkster. Someone at home in kink who uses that word about themselves.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about kink identity.
What is kink identity?
Kink identity is kink as part of who you are, not only something you do. With a kink identity, your preference feels like a piece of yourself, comparable to a sexual orientation. Not everyone with a kink experiences it that way.
What is the difference between having a kink and having a kink identity?
Having a kink is doing something; having a kink identity is being something. Someone who experiences kink as play can pick it up and put it down again. With a kink identity, the preference is part of who you are, more like an orientation than a hobby.
Who can you turn to with questions about kink identity?
Victor, a gigolo with a background as a psychotherapist, with whom you do not have to justify or explain your kink. You can ask him a question with no obligation through the contact form or start with a free chat.
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Still have questions about kink identity?
I am Victor, a gigolo and psychotherapist. Whether kink is play for you or a piece of who you are, I listen without judgment. Send me a message and I will text you back whenever it suits you, no strings attached.