Glossary
Co-primary
The status that gives two relationships alongside each other equal weight, and what that costs in practice.
What is co-primary?
Co-primary in hierarchical polyamory is the term for someone who has more than one primary partner, partners who are then called co-primaries of each other. A primary relationship is the relationship with the highest priority, often with a shared household, shared finances or children. Co-primary means that this status does not have to be tied to one relationship.
| Dutch term | co-primair, the Dutch spelling of the English co-primary, common in the Dutch poly world. |
| Also known as | co-primaries (the partners to each other) |
| Category | ethical non-monogamy, a status within hierarchical polyamory |
| Opposite | a secondary relationship, with fewer shared obligations and usually its own household |
| Applies to | anyone who maintains more than one relationship with primary status, often in a polycule with multiple homes or families |
| Most important condition | time, coordination and honesty among everyone involved, not only between two people |
How the term is built up
The distinction comes out of research into hierarchical polyamory. Balzarini and colleagues describe a primary relationship as a relationship “between two partners who typically share a household (cohabitate) and finances, who are married (if a marriage is desired), and/or who have or raise children together”, as against a secondary relationship in which partners usually live separately and do not share finances. Co-primary arises the moment someone has that first status with more than one partner at once.
Why people want this, and what it asks
The recognition that co-primary gives is for many people the heart of it: two relationships can both be the main thing, without one counting as a side matter of the other. That does ask a lot of time, coordination and honesty among everyone who belongs to it, not only between two people. Not everyone in the poly world uses this hierarchy, by the way: the same researchers note that some polyamorists reject the division into primary and secondary on principle.
Sources
- Perceptions of Primary and Secondary Relationships in Polyamory. Balzarini et al., PLoS ONE, 2017. Defines a primary relationship as one in which partners typically live together and share finances, are married or have children, as against a secondary relationship with separate households, and describes that some polyamorists reject this hierarchical division on principle.
Related terms
Co-primary is a status within ethical non-monogamy, the broader umbrella for relationship forms with more than one consenting partner.
- Ethical non-monogamy. The umbrella under which hierarchical polyamory, and therefore co-primary, falls.
- Condom contract. Another kind of agreement that is needed more often as a network counts more co-primary relationships.
- Polyamory. The relationship form within which the term co-primary is used.
- Metamour. Your partner’s partner, someone a co-primary relationship often coordinates with.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about co-primary relationships.
What is co-primary?
Co-primary means that someone has more than one partner with the status of a primary relationship, without rank between those relationships. The partners are then called co-primaries of each other.
What is the difference between a primary and a secondary relationship?
A primary relationship usually shares a household, finances or children, a secondary relationship usually does not. Co-primary means you have that first status with more than one partner at once.
Who can you turn to with questions about co-primary relationships?
Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. Women who are co-primary with several partners themselves sometimes get in touch to discuss how a date with him fits within what is already going on. You can put a question to him with no obligation through the contact form or chat for free first.
Want to know more
Still have questions about co-primary relationships?
I'm Victor. Women who are co-primary with several partners themselves sometimes have extra questions before they book. Feel free to ask yours. No obligation, I'll text you back at your leisure.