Non-hierarchical polyamory

What is non-hierarchical polyamory?

Non-hierarchical polyamory (in Dutch: niet-hiërarchische polyamorie) is a form of polyamory in which no relationship stands above the others. There is no primary or secondary partner, no veto and no fixed rank. Each bond gets what it needs on its own, instead of what a label allows. It is the opposite of hierarchical polyamory.

How non-hierarchical polyamory works in practice

Without a rank, the way decisions get made shifts. Take someone with two relationships, with Iris and with Tygo, without either of them being “the most important”. There is no partner who can block someone new from joining, and no agreement that one always comes first for holidays or celebrations. Instead, each situation is weighed for what fits and what is fair. The encyclopedia sums up the core briefly: no relationship is placed above the rest. That does not make it a casual form, but one that asks for a lot of tuning.

What “no rank” exactly means

No hierarchy does not mean all relationships are identical, but that the difference is not cast into a rank. A long-running relationship may be more deeply rooted than a new one; what falls away is the automatic privilege. There is no veto with which one can block a new relationship of the other, and no rule that the oldest bond takes precedence by definition. That is exactly where it differs from hierarchical polyamory: there a primary agreement fixes the precedence in advance, here it does not. Research by Balzarini and colleagues among more than thirteen hundred polyamorous people mapped how lopsided a rank can turn out: participants were more open about their primary relationship than their secondary one, with less stigma. Non-hierarchical polyamory is the deliberate attempt not to build that kind of inequality in.

Why people choose it

The appeal lies in the equality: no one is assigned a second-rate place in advance. For anyone entering a new relationship, it means it can grow without a ceiling. For existing partners, it means the bond stands on its own and not on a position in a row. What it does not solve is the work. Without rank as a compass, you have to tune more often and more explicitly about who needs what and when. And couple privilege, the unspoken advantage of an existing couple, does not disappear on its own because you put “non-hierarchical” on the box; that asks for active attention.

Non-hierarchical is not the same as relationship anarchy

“Non-hierarchical polyamory and relationship anarchy are the same.” They resemble each other, but differ in scope. Non-hierarchical polyamory removes the rank within your romantic and sexual relationships, but still sees those as a separate category. Relationship anarchy drops the idea of fixed categories entirely and judges every bond, friendships included, on its own.

“No rank means no obligations.” Wrong. There are certainly agreements and commitment; they are just not cast into a fixed hierarchy. Equal is not casual.

“Without hierarchy you cannot live together.” Also untrue. You can have a nesting partner, someone you share a home with, without promoting them to primary partner by doing so. Living together is then a practical choice, not a rank.

What I notice about it

No rank sounds like the fairest form, and it is exactly that form that asks the most maintenance in practice. I’m Victor, a gigolo with a background as a psychotherapist, and I regularly speak with people who live non-hierarchically. What I hear most is that the freedom only works when there is very clear talking; the pitfall is that “we are equal” gets used to avoid a difficult conversation. When it works, that is because everyone truly feels seen, not because there is a label on it.

More reading on non-hierarchical polyamory

• Hierarchical polyamory explains the counterpart: the same multiple relationships, but with a fixed rank.
• Couple privilege describes the advantage an existing couple often keeps on its own, and which this form sets out to counter.
• A breakdown of the difference from relationship anarchy, for anyone who often hears the two mixed up.

Where this fits on my site

If you live non-hierarchically and want attention or adventure that does not put anyone’s place under pressure, then a booking with me can fit that. I work discreetly and with clear limits set beforehand. How I go about it is on the page what I do. If you are unsure whether it fits your situation, feel free to ask first.

Sources

• Perceptions of Primary and Secondary Relationships in Polyamory. Balzarini et al., PLOS ONE, 2017. Provides that polyamorous people are more open about their primary relationship than their secondary one, with less stigma, which shows the inequality a non-hierarchical setup sets out to avoid.
• Polyamory. English-language encyclopedia. Provides the description that in non-hierarchical polyamory no relationship is placed above the rest, and the overview of hierarchical and non-hierarchical forms.

Related terms

• Ethical non-monogamy. The pillar: several relationships with everyone’s knowledge, which this form falls under.
• Polyamory. The direct umbrella, of which non-hierarchical polyamory is one arrangement.
• Hierarchical polyamory. The opposite, with a fixed rank of primary and secondary.
• Relationship anarchy. The related but more radical form that also drops the categories themselves.
• Couple privilege. The advantage of an existing couple that this form deliberately tries to counter.
• Nesting partner. The partner you live with, without living together meaning a rank here.