Written and published in AndC
Maud has been single for a year and a half when her need for intimacy begins to grow again. But the dating stories she hears around her give her goosebumps. Besides, she carries a lot of insecurity and sexual trauma from her last relationship, which makes meeting someone spontaneously complicated. Then she gets an idea: a gigolo.
Maud* (37): ‘My last relationship wasn’t a good one. My ex had significant narcissistic traits and often played on my insecurities. When someone constantly puts you down, you start feeling worse about yourself. We had just had a baby, and suddenly I had a mother’s body, which lowered my confidence even more. There was little intimacy, but when there was, he hurt me. I became afraid of sex. A year and a half ago, I left him. The mental scars are still there, but the longer I am single, the better I feel. I’m nowhere near ready for a new partner, but for a few months now I have been craving intimacy again. Touch. But yes, I asked myself, how do I make that happen? As a single mother, I have little time for dating, and hearing the dating stories around me doesn’t make me eager either. I would have to explain everything to a new man, like that I’m still adjusting to my body and have difficulty with penetration. It would be nice to take the first steps on a sexual level in a safe environment, with someone who understands me and listens to me. Once I regain some confidence, I will probably dare to date again. Maybe then, eventually, I would even dare to give myself to someone in a relationship.’
Victor
‘I work in social services and know from my job that there are gigolos who offer special services to help overcome trauma. One evening, while lying in bed, I just started googling. I quickly discovered that there are many different types of gigolos. So many, in fact, that it overwhelmed me for a moment. I saw all sorts of profile pictures of young, fit men and thought: no, that would only make me feel more insecure. At the same time, my curiosity remained. A few days later, I did another search and came across Victor’s website. He wrote that he could help women, was open to prior contact, and wanted to plan a date ‘based on that connection.’ Plenty of people find it exciting to meet someone spontaneously, but I couldn’t do that. This suited me better. Still somewhat hesitant, I left my details on the site, after which Victor sent me a message.
Victor has a background in psychology, and I noticed that immediately. He put me at ease with just a few messages. He asked what exactly I was looking for and whether we could be a match. He sent a photo of himself so I could assess if there was any attraction. There was. For me, that mainly depends on the connection I feel with someone, but the fact that he looked nice helped. A playful, flirty conversation started about the date and what it would look like. What would I enjoy, and what would I not? He asked about my boundaries and invited me to share, if I wanted to, what I had experienced. I did, after which he emphasized that my feelings were completely normal. If you have long felt alone with your emotions, that is very comforting to hear. Conversely, I asked about his boundaries. I know what it’s like when someone crosses your limits, so how hypocritical would it be if I didn’t pay attention to that? Not every escort kisses, for example, but Victor does. We decided to schedule a date. I like going to the sauna because it helps me relax, so we booked a sauna with a hotel stay for a few weeks later.
The date
‘When I was painting my nails in the morning, I was shaking with nerves. I kept thinking, what have I gotten myself into now? What if he’s not safe at all and ties me to the bed? And why did I want to go to the sauna, where you have to undress right away? Once I arrived at the agreed place, I was still shaking. Victor showed up, and he was exactly the Victor from our conversations: he immediately put me at ease. Nothing is mandatory, he said, everything is allowed. ‘And you’re in control.’ Because I was so nervous, I asked him to take the lead and he suggested we eat something first. At the table, we started talking. He was genuinely interested, asked all kinds of questions, and was clearly experienced in reading between the lines. A little later in the sauna, for example, he wanted to pick up my glasses and towel for me. ‘No thanks,’ I said, because I felt uncomfortable with that. Carefully, he asked if I had trouble accepting help. ‘Where does that come from?’ When someone sees right through you like that, you feel seen as a person. As a woman. That made me quickly forget that he was a gigolo and I was ‘the client.’ Meanwhile, we touched each other more and more. Those touches built up to the moment we went to the hotel.
In the room, Victor took all the time. With every step he took, he checked if it was okay. Intimacy was my goal; after all, I wanted to experience that sex doesn’t have to be painful, but I felt in every way: if it doesn’t happen, that’s okay too. It did happen, and luckily it didn’t hurt. On the contrary: it felt so good. Victor clearly had experience in sexual matters. The sex was absolutely not a routine to be checked off, but he knew what he was doing and how to make a woman feel seen in bed. That he got turned on by me too gave me energy. It was exactly the safe environment I had hoped for, where after a very long time I again felt sensual and naughty.
After the sex, I was overwhelmed. Because it felt so good, but also because I suddenly realized: I have to pay someone to feel this. Isn’t that crazy? I had overcome something, but the fact that I had to overcome it made me sad. While I was crying, Victor comforted me. We had agreed to stay together until the morning, which allowed time for these feelings as well. At some point, my sadness faded and a door opened. Now that I had experienced nice sex again, I realized how much I had missed it. Let’s just say we had a very pleasant evening and night.
The day after ‘On the way home, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was happy; on the other, I actually had no idea what had happened to me. Victor and I said goodbye, and two hours later my four-year-old daughter was already at the door. That was quite an adjustment. Luckily, at least with the kind of gigolo Victor is, there’s also aftercare. I hadn’t told anyone about our meeting because I was ashamed. That made it nice to occasionally have app contact with Victor in the days and weeks afterward. Going through something like that together is no small thing. I completely opened up, and that changes you. Victor showed genuine attention to that. Since our meeting, I feel more feminine and confident. I have more energy and desire for sex, but it’s also in small things like walking more upright and dressing more carefully. It might sound intense, but I feel like a whole person again.
I wanted more, it quickly came to mind. I wanted to do it again. Recently, that’s why we met up again. Once more we went out to eat, to the sauna, and to a hotel. This time I didn’t have that half panic attack beforehand and I could enjoy it even more. As I said: a door has opened. There is still a lot to discover sexually, and I’m happy to let it flow. A third time will come as well, but that will take a while. I want to let everything settle first, and besides, it carries a hefty price tag. For an overnight stay like we have, I pay 2,500 euros. Yet, I would recommend every woman who feels the need: just do it. It really is a gift to yourself. There are all sorts of gigolos, so there’s definitely something for you. It’s a pity there’s such a taboo around it, because the feeling it gave me, I wish that for everyone. So don’t be afraid and take the step.
Forever grateful
It will take some time before I start dating again. The nice thing about a gigolo is that you don’t run into each other afterward in the bar. He goes back to his life, and I to mine. There’s no complicated drama, like often happens with dating. If I run into someone, I’m open to a new relationship, but otherwise I’m fine as is. I am busy building my own life. My meetings with Victor help with that. When I feel better in myself, it also radiates to other areas of my life. Then I’m even a better mother to my daughter. For that, I am forever grateful to Victor.
*Maud is a fictitious name. Her real name is known to the editors.