Anna* always thought she knew exactly how her life would turn out: two children, a stable marriage, and a good job. What she never considered? That one day she would nervously sit behind her laptop to place a BDSM ad, turning her whole love life upside down.
With trembling fingers, I sit behind my laptop. Am I really going to do this, a mother of two who just went through a ten-year marriage? Yes, I am really going to do this. ‘Nice to meet you, I’m Anna, a woman in her forties who is completely new to the world of BDSM,’ I type. ‘I’m still exploring what I like, but I do know I’ve long felt attracted to this scene. Connection is important to me, so if you’re interested: let’s meet for a coffee.’ It was my BDSM mentor who recommended I post an ad online. I found him through Stichting Info BDSM. Yes, it exists: platforms where you’re connected to someone who guides you through this world — and places where you can leave your own ad.
I skip the option to upload a photo. It’s exciting enough as it is. Quickly, I press publish ad. There, now there’s really no turning back. I’m curious about the responses. If I get any responses at all. Okay, don’t overthink it, I tell myself firmly. I’ve wanted to experiment with BDSM for years, but I always held myself back. Now I want to finally unleash the desire that’s been knocking against the bars. My ex thought kinky was definitely not sexy. I still remember dragging him to Fifty Shades of Grey at the cinema. Blushing, I fantasized about everything we could do, but he mainly watched the screen in disgust. No, this weird stuff was absolutely not something he wanted to try.
Our sex life had already become quite dull at that point. My days were spent working, taking care of the children, and in the evenings I tidied up the house. Hello routine, goodbye intimacy. I had buried my desire, until now. Whereas before I was afraid I wouldn’t get any responses, my inbox was full the next day. Still, many men were eliminated during the selection. Spelling mistakes and no punctuation? Then you’re out. As a highly educated woman, I was looking for someone on the same level. If someone lived in Limburg, I considered that too far away. Men who probed about exactly what I was looking for and then got frustrated that I didn’t have a clear answer were also eliminated. I wanted someone who took the lead and wanted to explore together with me.
When my eye caught Victor’s email, I wasn’t immediately excited. He was very brief. Hello, all these other men took the trouble to write a detailed story. So the choice wouldn’t fall on you, buddy. Even before I rejected him, he sent another email a week later. I looked up his profile, where he told more about himself. He was also one of the few with a photo. Wow, this is actually a pretty nice man, I thought to myself. We exchanged some emails and swapped numbers. When my children went on vacation with my ex, we decided to meet. Initially just for a coffee somewhere in the middle, but Victor challenged me: didn’t I dare to come to him right away? After much hesitation, I got in the car with trembling knees. Oh God, what had I gotten myself into?