Mariska (43) was abused in her youth. As a result, she was never able to enjoy sex as an adult. Thanks to the meetings with a gigolo, she can for the first time in her life enjoy intimacy and her own body.
“I grew up in an unsafe family. My father struggled with addictions and my mother was autistic. Not the best combination. Eventually, the relationship broke down and they divorced. Because things didn’t go well between my mother and me, I went to live with my father. I was about fourteen when my father molested me for the first time. While peers were developing their own sexuality, my sexual development was abruptly disrupted by boundary-crossing behavior from someone who should have been my safe haven, namely my father. After that first time, he molested me multiple more times. At some point, my resistance outweighed the shame and I reported it. Because our family was already under supervision, I was placed out of the home fairly quickly afterwards. I temporarily stayed in a residential treatment group, then was placed in a foster family. There, I felt safe, but it never really became a “home” for me. As soon as I could, I was just over seventeen, I started living on my own. After everything that had happened, I needed my own place. A point from which I could start building my own life. I ended up with a couple renting out rooms in their own house. Of course, I was young and incredibly vulnerable after all I had been through. The male owner of my new home took advantage of that. And this time it wasn’t just molestation, I was raped. Because I already had a history of abuse, this hit me twice as hard. Again, someone who did not respect my boundaries. How was I supposed to build a healthy view of men and sexuality when I had already had so many bad experiences?”
Therapy
“I got married young. I met my partner while I was temporarily staying in the treatment group. Just after turning 21, we tied the knot. We never had an exciting sex life. In the very beginning, even before I was raped, we did have pleasant, intimate contact. But I was still so young and the relationship was still so new, so you approach everything very cautiously. Everything is new and exciting, and there was no real sex life yet. And precisely at the time when this was starting to develop more, I was raped. After that, my whole body shut down. I carried so much trauma in my body that I didn’t like being touched. We had sex, but I didn’t enjoy it. I did work on processing my abuse history. I underwent therapy and several EMDR sessions. That helped me tremendously. The trauma is still there, but it no longer controls my life.”
Skin hunger
B
Enriching
“The first time I met a gigolo, I was terribly nervous. I had booked a hotel on the other side of the country to make sure I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew. Before the gigolo arrived, I took a long shower in my hotel room. I had bought myself beautiful lingerie, took the time to exfoliate my skin and apply a wonderfully scented body lotion, and put on some makeup. By taking such loving and careful care of myself, I relaxed. Normally, I never wore makeup, showers were always quick, and exciting outfits? Oh no, not for me! Now, for the first time in ages, I felt like a woman again. The gigolo and I agreed to have a drink first in the hotel lobby so we could get to know each other a bit. Actually, we clicked right away. After our drink, we went upstairs. The man was so calm, kind, and understanding that I quickly relaxed. And the sex was wonderful. For the first time in my life, I could enjoy sex! That was such an enriching experience for me. In therapy, I talked for hours to process my trauma. That was helpful, but not comparable to what this brought me. By being intimate in a safe setting with someone who was there solely for your pleasure, I experienced a positive sexual experience for the first time. Did I ultimately gain more from my gigolo than from the string of psychologists? You could say yes. That’s also why I share my story. There are many women with a history of abuse. An appointment with a gigolo can truly help you get closer to yourself. To allow your feelings more and gradually let the carefully built walls crumble. And when those walls have crumbled, to counterbalance it with a positive sexual experience.”
Self-confidence
“Besides being wonderful to enjoy sex, I also learn a lot from the connection. My self-confidence has grown tremendously. As a woman, you know that your femininity doesn’t depend on how many kilos you weigh, but knowing that is very different from experiencing it. My body can give me so much pleasure that I have naturally started to appreciate it more. What I just mentioned, that I crave fries when I feel bad, is no longer the case. The craving for fries is gone. It might be that I lost some weight because of that, but the great thing is that I am much less focused on it. I feel like a woman and that radiates from me. I think my husband notices something about me. A few months ago, he was away for work over a weekend, and when he came home, he wanted to hug me again after a long time. I have no idea whether it’s because I’m more open to intimacy or because he feels more attracted to me because of my aura. But we both enjoyed it very much. Who knows, maybe my dates with a gigolo have even more positive effects! The only downside of sleeping with a gigolo is… that it becomes addictive. I’ve now booked a man three times and I have another appointment scheduled in a week. I’m already really looking forward to it. My husband doesn’t know anything. And I want to keep it that way. I’m sure we would separate if he did find out. Anyway, we don’t talk about such intimate subjects. My husband knows that I was abused in my youth, but we never discuss it. Whether it’s shame or discomfort, honestly, I don’t know. We are both introverted and thus not talkative. Does he miss sex? No idea. We don’t talk about that either. I don’t think I would mind if he fulfilled his sexuality elsewhere. I just don’t want to know.”
Marriage
“My husband is a kind, loving, and stable partner and a wonderful father to our daughter. It’s only in the area of sex that we don’t connect. For me, that’s not a reason to break up a good relationship.
Visiting a gigolo regularly does cost money, yes. My husband earns well, there is plenty of money. I told him I visit a psychologist. For that, I withdraw seventy euros every week. I save that to cover my visits to the gigolo.
Of course, I can’t keep visiting a psychologist forever, so it will stop at some point. When it ends, so be it. When it stops, I will look back on a number of really enjoyable and enriching encounters that have brought me further than any psychological treatment ever could. I don’t feel the need to start a relationship with another man. Not even if it’s just for sex. A visit to a gigolo is a business transaction. No emotions or feelings are involved. That way it never gets complicated or unpleasant. I don’t want anything or anyone to come between my husband and me. Our marriage is too precious for that.”
This story was published in “Mijn Geheim”. It is not about Victor, but it beautifully and powerfully shows how a woman can grow immensely on a personal level.